AWP Live Blog 2011 - Washington, D.C.

DCuL8R

2011-02-06T08:28:00.000-08:00

Sigh. And another AWP comes to a close. We had fun didn't we? Enjoy the AWPlague you will have for the next week! Enjoy your depleted bank accounts! Enjoy the composition papers you have waiting for you to grade! Enjoy, enjoy. Because we enjoyed. We all enjoyed.

Until next time, I love you.

B

PTI Does Jhumpa Lahiri

2011-02-05T23:36:00.000-08:00

MW: Pardon The Interruption but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, did you hear there's a writer's conference going on in town?

TK: And I'm Tony Kornheiser. A writer's conference? What do they need to confer about? What metaphor they need to use to describe their dying relationships with non-writers?

*theme music*

TK: Welcome to PTI, boys and girls, happy AWP to those of you who celebrate sadness. Plenty to talk about on the show, but first we start with Jhumpa. Last night in front of a packed house, Jhumpa Lahiri was supposed to read. The reading was scheduled for 7pm. Wilbon, she didn't go on until NINE THIRTY. Many people were upset over the amount of time it took to introduce her and the pre-reading material was longer than the reading itself. Is this something that we should've seen coming from a Key Note Speaker or is this over the line?

MW: Now Tony, I know Jhumpa Lahiri. Not a lot...but a little bit. I'd be reticent to say that this was the plan from the get-go. Now Tony, we've covered a lot of readings in the past. It has gotten to the point where the pre-reading festivities OUTWEIGH the actual reading. It has NOTHING to do with the actual reading anymore.

TK: Wilbon, we've seen a lot of readings. I think back to the Terrance Hayes reading a few years back where Mark Jarman went on for forty-five minutes talking about how if Walt Whitman and Emily Dickinson had a baby it would be Terrance Hayes.

MW: Right.

TK: But to say that the pre-reading introduction trumps the reading itself is MORONIC. When we look back 10, 15 years from now, what will we remember? Not the fact that the president of George Washington University's kids are learning how to read and write. Not the fact that Askold Melnyczuk won some award. It's about how Jhumpa Lahiri looks pretty much exactly like she does in her author photo.

MW: I can't believe you would skewer Askold Melynczuk like that! What happened to Askold Melynczuk was YA BOY?

TK: Here's what I think: there's no room for this type of stuff in today's game. It is drek. It is schlock.

MW: But you just said...

TK: I know what I said.

MW: Let me AXE you a question: you want to CHANGE the way introductions work because of a bunch of KNUCKLEHEADS who go on too long talking about their grandchildren and the roles of deans of English departments?

TK: Speaking of rolls, when she finally got up there she talked about how much she liked the dinner that AWP provided for her.

MW: You think it was a Zenyatta burger?

TK: It SICKENS me to think that.

*ding*

TK: We're gonna take a break. Coming up, we'll talk about the lack of attendance at the 'Women Writers in the Womb' panel, and later we'll preview the upcoming Rankine-Hoagland fight, plus Five Good Minutes with a reader at the PANK/Annalemma/Mud Luscious Reading who went for twelve minutes.

J. Diaz Reading

2011-02-05T15:54:00.000-08:00

So I was on my way to the J. Diaz reading and there were all of these people in my way! It was totally crazy! I was minding my own business hanging out at Bolling Airforce Base and out of NOWHERE came this Japanese martial artist seeking to become a "true warrior." and his former training partner and rival and they were all like 'You Must Defeat Sheng Long to have a chance!' and I was like 'I don't think Sheng Long is here despite reading in WritersPro Magazine that he is somewhere in the DC area but the only way I can find him is by not take any random bookfair handouts by subpar literary journals for ten consecutive AWPs and then I will be given a supersecret RED lanyard and we will have an Opium Death Match fight to the finish that will end with me losing because Sheng Long is a SLAM POET and people love SLAM Magazine and SLAM Dunks and SLAM by Onyx!' And then the other dude who looked like the other guy except he was from America was all like 'Attack me if you dare--I will crush you.' and I was kind of taken aback because AWP is all about PEACE and LOVE and DEHYDRATION and so I told them to go home and be a family man because I am really concerned with the lack of the father figure in today's modern society! And THEN some Russian guy came up to me and started talking about whale fat and I was like 'huh?' and then his translator showed up and was all like 'Can't you do better than that?' and I was like 'Sure, they're a small magazine, but they have a really good online presence and they had some really good solicited work in their first issue, plus the editor is someone that I went to college with so I wanted to support them in any way that I could.' and then I told them to go home and be family men because there are a lot of babies at AWP this year and babies shouldn't come to AWP because tiny little buttons are CHOKING HAZARDS and I mean, goodness, the last thing we want to do is recall the newest issue of the Paris Review after they recalled the poems that they accepted for publication after switching editors because that would be a TOTAL RECALL and I haven't seen any three-breasted women here at AWP (yet!) and AWP Mars isn't until 2024, and no one really gets the fact that it's going to be in Mars because they don't really have a strong literary base there and Pittsburgh is still bitching about being passed over.

And THEN all of a sudden I was in the Yoga District and I was like 'I have a Groupon' and this guy was all like 'What's a Groupon?' and I'm like 'Oh, it's like a mix between a coupon and grouper.' and the guy was like 'I will meditate and then destroy you!' and I was like 'Wow, I really don't understand yoga.' and then he was like 'Now you've realized the inner mysteries of yoga!' and then I was REALLY confused, and then I told him my blood type because that is really important. And then we kicked a car a whole bunch but I couldn't kick it fast enough because I like to do this big leg sweep thing that I learned when I was in the military but man, is it slowwwwwwwwww!

So I finally got to see J. Diaz and his fists were all glowing and he started talking about how he has always avoided AWP because he thinks it is terrible and I was like 'Booooo!' and then he was like 'Get lost! You can't compare with my powers!' and I was like 'C'mon dude!' and then he started talking about his crime organization called Shadaloo and I was like 'That is not a good name for a crime organization!' and then he started saying some stuff in Spanish and I was like 'Oh! That is really charming!' and then he stomped on my head.

:(

Out With A Wrist

2011-02-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Louise Glück I am starting to become concerned about your wrist! Do you have carpal tunnel syndrome? It is a idiopathic median neuropathy at the carpal tunnel. The pathophysiology is not completely understood but can be considered compression of the median nerve traveling through the carpal tunnel. Just because it is not understood doesn't mean that you cannot take precautions to avoid it! You should buy a gel pad thing for your computer so that when you're playing Farmville or Mafia Wars (PS stop sending me requests for barrels of wheat! I don't have any! I am sorry your chickens are loose!) it doesn't hurt so much! Also, it feels like you are resting your hands on a poorly done breast implant and I KNOW you know what THAT feels like (wink!). So, I mean, win win!

I'm starting to think that 'The Triumph of Achilles' is SUPER IRONIC! The Louise Glück Level Alert System is at Alert Level Mock Orange!

Rest!
Ice!
Compress!
Elevate!

AWP Themed Hardcore/Punk/Emo Bands

2011-02-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of AWP Themed Rap Groups, we bring you a DC edition!

Bat City
xBlackOceanx
Fugue
Black Warrior Effect
Cincinnati Review Commission
West Branch
Third Coast
Booth Brigade

Geez, litjournal names = post-punk band names! This isn't hard at all!

Fourth Genre
Riverteeth
Blade Butler
Nezhukumatathil
9 Letters
Switchback
Versal
Lowbrow

You are all living the dream of '85! REVOLUTION SUMMER!

Private Dancer

2011-02-04T22:36:00.000-08:00

Why do I have to pay to dance? You know who else pays for dances? Sad businessmen who are on vacation in the Big City and they have rented a Chevy Cobalt from Enterprise Rent-A-Car which did not pick them up--they picked up the car at the sad airport that they know backwards and forwards and maybe they stopped at a kiosk to buy a pretzel and to wash their hands in the sad bathroom and maybe they did none of these things but bought a personal pan pizza that is not personal at all--it is distant, so distant from you, pizza, pepperoni, and the like, and instead of feeling comforted in some sort of universal knowing they feel alienated from the world: that they identify with this pizza sitting under heatlamps like the ones outside of the Marriott hotel and they know, they know, that they will eventually be chosen, like someone on a reality television show like 'The Bachelor' or 'The Bachelorette' or 'The Bachelorayliotta' but by the time they are plucked from the sweltering heat that is a metaphor for something else they will be old, congealed and worn from the time spent alone, their containers stained with the grease of a yesteryear, their bottoms rigid from being so stationary for so, so long. These sad pizzamen usually smell of Axe Body Spray and chemicals--they wear cauliflower blue ties in order to create a slight contrast between their accouterments and their suit jackets as they ask for the sweet touch of a girl young enough to be their daughter who has changed her name to an adjective or an edible object who is attempting to grind out the sorrows of the day on the groin region of someone she hopes she will never see again, despite his best wishes that they will lock eyes, if only for a second, and recognize something deep inside of each other: that he is a sad pizza, and that she is a 20 oz paper cup of Mug Rootbeer and that they are able to compliment each other, at least for that moment--that this all makes sense, that despite money exchanging hands that this is what has brought them both to this spot: a deep rooted feeling for the personal space to be shared, that maybe one day the pizza will not be personal but will be personal, shared between two lovers whose cups runneth over with the sweet taste of sassafras and that all dances, all touches, accidental, or otherwise will come without a monetary value: they will be both theirs and also the world's.

Shame on you. Shame on all of you.

WHEN IS THE JAMES FRANCO/SNOOKI READING?

2011-02-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

Monumentalz!

2011-02-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

Oh man this is so great! This is an AWP with the proper pomp and circumstance that is meant for a king (NO NOT A KING BECAUSE GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS ALLOWED TO BE KING AND HE'S LIKE F THAT NOISE DEMOCRACY!) Thanks George Washington! We should have a monument for you one of these days! Maybe it'll be PHALLIC and 14-year-old boys can take photographs lying down in front of it so it looks like they have an ERECTION but it's actually a giant marble, granite & sandstone penis with two beady red eyes at the top of it! And they will turn to people and be like 'would you like to gobble my obelisk?' except probably not because they will not know what an obelisk is because the only monolith that teenagers are familiar with are the Kirkland, Washington videogame developers behind the 1999 DOS First-Person Shooter Blood where you could attack people with pitchforkmedias and kick around heads and even then they only downloaded the Shareware Version because the Build engine was totally outdated! Everything that is happening today is so Presidential! The butter that I used to butter my 7 dollar croissant in the Omni Hotel was President, which is totally European, I know, but still! Presidents! The President of AWP is Dinty Moore! He is the President of the AWP District of the District of Columbia of the United States! I am going to make a monument for him! It will be almost perfect but it will be made of STONE and WIRE and LOVE but Creative Nonfiction will want me to tear it down because a statue of Dinty Moore is not made of Dinty Moore and therefore it is not the TRUTH because statues, apparently, are fiction! Did you know that the statue of Abe Lincoln isn't actually Abe Lincoln!? I feel like such a fool asking him for advice about five dollar bills and whether or not the chapbook is a dying art with the advent of the internet! Ugh! I don't get it Abe Smith Lincoln! I just thought he was shy and didn't talk back and sat all stoically because that's what the Iowa Review table does when I walk over there!

This bookfair is exactly like the video for Ghetto Superstar off of the Bulworth Soundtrack! I'm pretty sure that Sven Birketts is a hairier Warren Beatty! Robert Pinsky is Pras (who in the music video will reveal himself to be wearing a Sven Birketts suit becoming the first side-burned president since that one that died!). Natasha Tretheway (who I just saw coming down the escalator and I tried to high-five her but she was guarded natively!) is Mya! Thankfully these people have staying power unlike their real hippy-hop counterparts and will be around for years to come instead of having to be 'the other guy in the Fugees' and 'the other girl in the Lady Marmalade video'! Although all would benefit from a stint on Dancing With The Stars in order to stay hip and relevant and make people use their AT&T Cellphones!

Queen of the Paso Double would be a great title for a book of poems written by NOT ME.

AWP REVERTS BACK TO NOT GREEN

2011-02-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

Oh snap check out these totes! They are totes awesome! When I said 'totes' there I meant 'totallys' not 'totes' as in 'totebags' or 'grippy socks that my Nana used to wear so she wouldn't slide on the linoleum like in that one movie with that crazy guy'! I bet these things totally DESTROY the environment! Take that, earth! These totes would totes say 'Welcome to Earth, Earth!' and then punch Earth in the face (Independence Day reference, which is appropriate considering we are in DC and that is the most patriotic movie ever made ever). I for one welcome our deathbags with their carbon Big Foot footprints (the monster truck, not the large hairy ape-like creature, ranging between 6–10 feet tall, weighing in excess of 500 pounds, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair--this is not the time for cryptids!) because man they are so cute and durable! They even have those little rustic fiber flecks in them which kind of makes them look like one of those Table X chapbooks! You know, the one that cost 75 dollars with a poet no one has ever heard of! But goodness, they are pretty! Seriously, I want to make out with them but someone will be like 'don't get it wet!' and I'm a sloppy kisser (ALL TONGUE ALL THE TIME) so, I mean, that's probably not a great idea!

The lanyard this year is as BLACK AS MY SOUL. Just kidding! My soul is a very pretty cyan color! People say I have such an energy about me and I'm like 'Well, I did take a green tea supplement this morning!' and then we laugh and then I grab them by the neck and I'm like 'No seriously.' and then I laugh and it's a great joke and then people are FRIGHTENED and my lanyard turns AUBERGINE which is a word that we got from the Catalans! We also got the word 'Surge' from them too, which is appropriate because of *whisper*Iraq*whisper* and because the DC area is the only place where one can obtain Surge, the lemon-lime softdrink inspired by the Norwegian 'Urge', which was brought to the United States to compete with Pepsico's Mountain Dew, yet failed miserably (they added an 'S' to make it sound a little less rape-y) and lost its market share to Dr Pepper's SunDrop (THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!). Did you know that the reason Dr Pepper doesn't have a period after the 'Dr' is because it has a PhD in Creative Writing and that shit doesn't count? Just because you took nine more workshops than I did doesn't mean I'm going to call you Doctor, MR. PEPPER!

So here are your Lanyard Color Codes! (UPDATED FOR 2K11)

Black: You & Me & That Chick You Want To Bone
Red: Mubarak
Blue: Barack Obama
Silver: Amiri Baraka
Orange: Baraka from MK2
Purple: Waka Flocka Flame
Tan: Fozzie from Muppet Babies
Green: People who are recycling their lanyard from last year and John Wall
Auberine: TurboRage Me
Taco Bell Teal: The Entire Cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer minus Alyson Hannigan because she is actually from DC and chooses to wear her own lanyard. Also because she's a witch (sometimes) and a lesbian (sometimes).

This is helpful! This is especially helpful because you might find yourself eating some AWPizza at 4 o'clock in the morning in a Pizza Basement and before you start putting your hand on the thigh of some lovely lass and start talking about 'This situation in Egypt is just so, so scary...but it's really inspirational to think about people rising up like that--coming together and saying enough is enough. It's really inspiring. I remember one time when I was an assistant editor at this journal and we all really loved this one poem, but the poetry editor and the head editor really hated it and found it derivative, but there was just so much passion in those words; it was edgy, maybe too edgy for our journal, but we didn't care--after complaining in the meeting for maybe two hours, we finally got them to put it into the journal provided the author agreed to our edits. It was such a great feeling so I know what those people in Egypt are going through and I feel for them, you know?' and then you start drawing a map of DC on her arm (it is modeled after a Cartesian coordinate system, which is the perfect cityplanning layout for foreplay), you're going to want to know who you're messing with! Maybe you skip the Egypt talk and just go straight for quoting Bukowski or Katy Perry or whatever you kids read these days! Maybe a 'take a chance and don't ever look back, you can never look back' will allow you to get into her AWPanties!

But be careful & use protection (some journal had condoms with famous quotes written on them! I would've gone with submission guidelines! But then someone might say 'Good luck at placing your penis elsewhere!' and that's not even a GOOD REJECTION! They could at least comment on it!) and remember that you're probably sharing a room with seven other writers because you are POOR because you are a WRITER and you keep getting HONORABLE MENTION in contests which comes with no cash prize and you can't get into SUBTROPICS.

And for godsakes, think about the future!

Hotel Motel Holiday Inn

2011-02-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

I am staying at the Omni Hotel! This hotel is EVERYWHERE. It holds EVERYTHING. It believes in EVERYTHING! The Omni Hotel is going to be the narrator of my newest novel! It will know what everyone is thinking and it will tell the narrator in an all knowing way, but it'll be kind of sweet, like you won't even know it's there, but it IS there, cooing in your ear and allowing you to know certain secrets about people before the people in the story even KNOW about them! Like my main character, a Serbian immigrant who owns a chain of hotels is going to die by walking into a kitten store and he will be allergic to kittens despite loving kittens so much, but of course kitten stores are only in AMERICA, so it'll be ironic that the place that he wanted to escape so much is what actually kept him safe and the thing that he LOVES is going to be the thing that KILLS him! And there will be various nods to this that 'Oh boy, Georg (that is his name, Georg) maybe this whole America Kitten thing isn't a good idea!' and he'll be searching on the Internet one day (I am not afraid to use technology in my books--'when Jack got home there was a missed call on his answering machine' or 'Jenny received a letter in the mail today from her boyfriend' = HAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT YOU QUAINT FUCK) and he'll be looking at LOLcats LOLing (him, not the cats, although sometimes the cats LOL! this is what is called meta, which is something that John Barth invented one day while eating an omelette!) and then accidentally he'll stumble upon the archives of geocities.com and he will stare for a long time at a picture of an animated gif of a skeleton smoking a cigarette and beckoning with his bony fingers and he won't think anything of it, but we will know because OMNI.

It is time to check into my room! Thank you for the room key, madame! I feel like I have one of those Black Cards that those rappers talk about! Yes! I feel like the Clipse! I am higher than giraffe ass! Yeughck! I am going to start using kitchen metaphors but in actuality I am talking about dRuGz! Stephen Dunn totally knows what I'm talkin' bout, right? *makes smoking pantomime* Actually, I don't know anything about Stephen Dunn except for he uses a lot of semi-colons! Stephen Dunn might be STRAIGHT EDGE, which would be totally cool because we are in the STRAIGHT EDGE Capitol of the World and we are also in the Capitol of the United States! Where is the A Major Threat: A Tribute to Ian MacKaye panel being held? Is it in the Pailhead Room? Is the tribute going to consist of Tony Hoagland, Kristin Hersh, Albert Goldbarth (who did not hold open the elevator for me at the OMNI Hotel! The joke was on him because the elevator was going UP and so when it came back down it opened again and I looked at him in his sad face and was all like 'INTERNET! TECHNOLOGY! YOUNG PEOPLE!' and I'm pretty sure he thought he might've been in that movie from the MIND OF M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN because these were words he has never heard before and he might've thought I was speaking in TONGUES! I think that movie was called HELLEVATOR!) and maybe Sapphire all yelling at me before giving their papers and being like 'Now, I know some of you feel the need to slam around into each other in order to try to prove who has the biggest dick here, but let me tell you some people just came here to enjoy my paper documenting the influence of Caribbean-Mexican GLBT Literature on the early 1990s flarf movement, and WE WILL WAIT for you guys to sort out your fucking cock contest before I begin, you ice cream eating motherfuckers.' and then someone will yell 'play an Embrace song!' and then everyone will groan because GOD.

Oh look! My keycard not only serves a functional item to open doors it is also an advertisement for the Steven Barclay Agency! Wow! It even has a picture of some dude lounging with his socks off reading a book! It's in black and white so you know it's serious! Daaaaang. Does this mean I get a free agent!? Not free agent like Cartier Martin or Leandro Barbarosa, but like a FREE AGENT FOR THE BOOK THAT I AM WRITING!? I am going to go to the table and turn it in and I will get some attractive woman in a business suit who is probably wearing a cameo (I don't have an agent, I imagine this is what they look like from the websites!) and then I will unleash my underrated baby to the world! Haha! Man, I hope they have a lot of agents because there are a lot of people staying here! Me & Amy Tan are gonna be BFFFs! Best Friends Forever Forever! I think that 'Best Friends Forever' has lost its meaning so I want her to be extra sure that we will hug when we see each other and maybe have sleepovers and have JOY POTLUCK CLUBS where I will bring a dessert and she will bring a dessert and we'll laugh and laugh and eat cupcakes and watch SCRUBS!

I'm going to the sauna! Let's hope I don't get all sweaty and gross and wind up in an elevator with a bunch of writer & editor babes and someone will see JESUS or BILLY COLLINS in my sweatstain!

**UPDATE** OH MY GOD THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED! DAMN YOU OMNINARRATOR! WHEN DID MY LIFE TURN INTO A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY FANFICTION!?

SNOWPAKOLIPZ

2011-02-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

Guys! It is SNOWING ON THE EARTH RIGHT NOW. I AM WRITING TO INFORM YOU. I AM THE INFORMER YAKNOWSLENODADDYYUSEFKOMUNYAKAABLEEHM AN EEKY BOOM BOOM DEM. There might be 12" Inches of SNOW (released on East West Records!), which is a LOT OF SNOW. I preferred 'Mind On The Moon', myself! But here I go again getting all Canadian on you! That's my bad, everybody! I thought SNOW was JAMAICAN. And when I say SNOW I mean the Toronto-born reggae rap fusion artist not the type of precipitation within the Earth's atmosphere in the form of crystalline water ice, consisting of a multitude of snowflakes that fall from clouds! I know that SNOW (disambiguation) is not Jamaican! It is Heavenian! Or Heavenese! I am not sure! It might also be from CLOUD WORLD 4-2! I am not sure so I will refrain from making judgments that might seem biased towards THUNDERBOLTS or ANGELS!

So many of you are from the MIDWEST! What is the deal! Did your parents fall out of a helicopter and have sex in mid-air and then you were born there and decided 'well, I really like grain so I am going to stay here'? First, sex in mid-air is HARD if you are not a bumblebee or Susan Howe and even then she will translate the sex to you WHILE in Midair even if you're like 'shhhh Susan shhh' and you do that finger to the lip thing! Second, it is cold there and it snows there and there isn't any water except for the one half of the NELLY double album titled SWEAT that he released before he became a mainstay in Celebrity Softball games, often going 4 for 4 with 5 RBIs! It is so hot in herr because they have turned up the THERMOSTAT to 80 degrees to compensate for the coldness outside and apparently Nelly like's Herr's Sour Cream and Onion chips (me too, Nelly!) or he is taking German 102 at St. Lunatics Midwest Community College (he is getting his Associate's in Business and Hotel Management and then he is going to pursue his MFA--he has it narrowed down to three places using a very elaborate point system that involves people mentioning how much they like the schools as well as what people have posted on comments on blogger).

Don't worry! You can outrun the snow! Like when Marky Mark outran WIND in that movie where all of the plants are making us commit suicide! I haven't trusted a fern since! You Midwesterners are fast! You are the fastest demographic! You are faster than Reggie Wayne and Dorianne Laux combined! Reggie Wayne is slowing Dorianne down! Also you are faster than rockets and the turn-around rejection time from Elimae!

I hear that Joyce Carol Oates has melted all of the snow from Washington DC to Princeton! She is hot like fire! Perhaps she borrowed the CAR from the guy who was a REPRESENTATION OF THE DEVIL AND BOB DYLAN because man, the carbon footprint on that thing must be like a billion! I don't know what carbon footprints are but that seems like a pretty high number for one! How about shoes that are bigger than Shaq's feet! They are huge! I read his shoe size once in an issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids! I then read the same article republished in Cincinnati Review, but they put Shaquille O'Neal's name on the back in TRAJAN font and I was like 'Oh! New stories by Shaquille O'Neal! I know he has been working on that post-apocalyptic novel told in verse and from the perspective of an architect who is homeless!' but it was only an INTERVIEW with him! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This is all rumors though! I need to check out snopes.com (or snowpes.com, lol) to verify! I love their animated gifs! Let's see...Multiple Truth Values! Blargh! I did find out that the e-mails sent by Meridian a few months ago shouldn't have been forwarded to Coca-Cola President Bill Gates for a free iPad because that has been determined as FALSE.

SNOWP

USA! USA! USA!

2011-02-03T17:04:00.000-08:00

Hi! I am so excited because AWP is in WASHINGTON DC this year which is the NATION'S CAPITAL. I don't know what DC stands for but I'm pretty sure it stands for 'DA CRUNKEST' although I'm not entirely sure! I wonder if it has anything to do with the time that me and all of my friends were really into skateboarding but none of us could really skateboard so we put wax on various curbs around town and attempted to GRIND but we couldn't do that either so we tried to OLLIE (which is the act of jumping in the air with a skateboard or when you accidentally kick a copy of Dos Passos Review in your hotel room and it opens up to a poem about birds) but we couldn't do that either and so we went inside and played TONY HAWK'S PROSKATER and we got triple points and collected all of the letters that said 'SNAPE' and then it was a total SPOILER ALERT, but we still wore Etnies because they were comfortable and conformed to the flatness of our feets, and we still wore Hang-Ups because of the anime chicks reminded us of Amy Hempel except Japanese and with comically (get it?) large breasts! Man, skateboarding was awesome! Did you know that Bob Hicok did the motion capture for Bob Burnquist in that game? They're both named Bob! They both have animal souls! 360 Pop-Shove It to Triptych!

I am thankful that we are finally making up for that AWP Vancouver 2005 terribleness! Canada! C'mon people! The only thing good to come out of Canada is Metazen and the majority of the ensembles for SNICK! The Cast of Are You Afraid of the Dark is all scared and then someone says 'WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOOT' and makes a reference to Luc Robataille and I am all like THE DRAMA AND TERROR OF A TYPEWRITER THAT IS CURSED AND CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE IS GONE! I AM TAKEN OUT OF THE NARRATIVE AT TIMES THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING US TO CONSIDER YOUR BALLS, NICKELODEON! Give me quality American programming like that fucked up Little Prince show and that fucked up Koala Bear show and that fucked up Gnome show! Don't think we don't remember Admiral Cockburn (lol) taking all of the Cs from The National Intelligencer so that they couldn't print terrible things about him! It's kind of like the time that Carolyn Forché hacked into the computers at The Harvard Review and corrupted all of the serif-fonts that that they couldn't make an accent-aigu without copying and pasting it from the Internet and then converting it from ARIAL to GARAMOND but then the kerning was all fucked up like that Koala Bear show (what was up with the Koala Bear show?) which is what everyone did anyway because how are we supposed to remember the correct Unicode three digit NUMPAD key-in for diacritic marks? (I AM LOOKING AT YOU TOMAŽ ŠALAMUN) I mean, isn't the voiced postalveolar fricative the WORST!?!?

IMMA NEED TO DC YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS AT THE CONFERENCE

2011-02-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

DeeeeeeeCeeeeeeeeeee!!! Ay Double U Peeeeeeeee!!! The place to beeeeeeee!

*lazer sounds bombs going off JUST KIDDING WASHINGTON DC IS TOUCHY ABOUT THESE THINGS*
*the sound of pleasant handshakes and gentle hugs*

Hello! How are you! It is good to see you! You look terrible! :( That haircut is all wrong for you! I liked what you wore last year but I don't like it as much this year! I don't know, maybe my tastes have changed! I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well for you! Did you have fun at the job market? I didn't get any jobs but I did manage to pick up some fresh organic produce and some KOMBUCHA! I don't know what it is, but I hear it's great!

Well, I think that your fortunes are going to change here at AWP! It is the land of opportunity! It is happening in WASHINGTON DC which is famous for apples! Someone told me that it was the other Washington that is famous for apples and I'm like 'Uhhh, what other Washington?' Seriously guys, get your GEORGRAPHY straight! Notice that I said 'Georgraphy' because I was making a GEORGE WASHINGTON joke! lol cherry tree

I cannot tell a lie so I am excited for AWP! I also cannot tell a lie so I just wanted to tell you I don't understand the appeal of your work! I'm sorry I'm being so negative!

Where are you staying? Oh that's cool! Did you hear there's a giant fucking hill that we need to walk up to in order to get to the panels and bookfair!? It is CRAZY. Fortunately they have a ZipCar rental right next to it so you can rent one of those and drive it up there! I don't know where you can drop them off though--probably at the bottom of the hill. :(

I know, I know, AWP is so OVERWHELMING! That is what I am hearing everyone say! There are SO MANY PEEEEEOPLE. I for one am WHELMED. I am a pro! I know stepping out of your room with your MacBookPro (Apple joke from earlier!) and your fair trade coffee is difficult, but there's a whole WORLD out there! It could be worse! You could be at the realtor conference! Wouldn't it be funny if there was a realtor who was secretly a writer but no one knew and he/she had to go to both conferences but he/she couldn't let the writers know that they're a realtor and let the realtors know that they're a writer!? It could be called 'Mrs. Doubtfire 2!' and it'd be fun for the whole family! And then there'd be some lesson about how we don't care what you do for money, but we just care about you and how you're writing, and nothing can take that away from you, nothing! And then the realtors would be super evil and be like 'WRITINGGGG PSHAW SIGN THESE CONTRACTS!' and then there'd be a really dramatic moment where you ripped up the contracts and were like 'THE ONLY CONTRACTS I'M SIGNING ARE AGREEING TO GIVING FIRST NORTH-AMERICAN PUBLISHING RIGHTS TO THE MID-AMERICAN REVIEW!' and we'd all cheer and hoist you on our shoulders, but we'd probably collapse because we are out of shape and don't like touching people/sunlight and because that whole story just sounds so OVERWHELMING, doesn't it!?

Seriously though! I hope that you get to see some DCups and some AWPenises!

OH YOU DIDN'T THINK WE COULD DO IT AGAIN

2011-02-01T16:10:00.001-08:00

OH YOU DIDN'T THINK WE COULD DO IT AGAIN BUT WE ARE GOING TO DO IT AGAIN AND BY DO IT AGAIN I MEAN AWP Y'ALL. WE ARE AN INSTITUTION! WE ARE A CONSTITUTION! THAT IS A PRESIDENTIAL JOKE! THERE ARE GOING TO BE LOTS OF PRESIDENTIAL JOKES IN THE BLOG THIS YEAR. YOUR PRESIDENT TAFT IS SO FAT THAT HE GOT STUXXX IN HIS BATHTUB ONCE AND NO ONE COULD GET HIM OUT AND THAT IS WHAT THE TEAPOT DOME SCANDAL WAS! LOL.

In all seriousness I hope that you have made it to AWP 11 in WASHINGTON DC and the snow hasn't been all like 'I don't want you to pick up literary journals, look at the contributor's notes in the back and then put it down and say something like 'nice paper feel' or 'you have a really nice product here' and then steal a Hershey's Cookies and Cream Nugget', and I'm like 'C'MON SNOW, BE COOL.'

CU CO

2010-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

See you next year in the District! I am already practicing my Taft jokes! (he was the fat one)

Humbly,

Brian

The 2010 Reggie Award

2010-04-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen of AWP Denver 2010,

In 2007, the Association of Writers and Writing Programs Annual Conference & Bookfair was held in Atlanta, Georgia. The conference, while a success in regards to branching out to a new section of the United States and for paying honor to the South's great literary tradition was not an ideal location, as the conference center and Hotel Hilton were located in downtown Atlanta, which is a financial district and therefore the bars were limited to the Tiki Bar in the basement of the Hilton and a terrible Irish pub located in the basement of a mall.

Of course, there was little else to do but drink, and so myself and my crew found ourselves drinking heavily until late in the morning where we would scour the streets in hopes of finding someplace to eat before we returned to our hotel room, which, I may add, was upgraded to the Ambassador's Suite for reasons unknown.

We often found ourselves at the Metro Diner, a brand new establishment that was decorated in a retro-deco style and was open 24 hours. Naturally, as with a new restaurant, it was not entirely prepared to have drunken writers staggering in at every moment of the morning with their faces desperate to have waffles shoved in them.

And so, after a marathon night of drinking $3 gin and tonics, we found ourselves at the Metro Diner at about 3 o'clock in the morning desperate for breakfast food and anxious to try what legends refer to as 'The Hobo Banquet' with its tagline of 'We Invented This One!'

Our server, a young man named Reggie, had to deal with our drunken stupor and demands for ketchup and eggs served certain ways, knocked over water glasses, and our general rowdyness, which included one friend asking another friend if he could bring a prostitute back to the shared room, as well as a few declarative statements of 'I'm having her baby,' a sentence that made little sense then and makes less sense now.

Despite our terribleness, we were certainly aware of our terribleness; therefore we were very gracious and kind to Reggie in the face of such adversity. Many a time we uttered 'Reggie...thank you. Seriously, Reggie. Thank you. Seriously...seriously...seriously. Thank you.'

And so, we named the Reggie Award in his honor--showing extreme patience in times of chaos and disarray, dealing with our shortcomings with a smile, and for filling a void inside of us that we did not know needed filling.

Therefore, it is with great honor I present the 2010 Reggie Award to Harry Axeman.

Harry Axeman, as we came to know and love him, was the 12-13 year old kid with a half-mullet haircut running through the bookfair, occasionally handing out colored flyers to people walking by before jetting off someplace magical, someplace wondrous. His namesake comes from the fact he wore a Harry Potter t-shirt two out of the three days at the conference and was often found with a large yellow inflatable guitar to which he commonly rocked out on as he ran in between the booths occasionally screaming out guitar riffs: jamming, always jamming.

Harry Axeman, you do not get to choose your parents. You did not ask for your mother or father, or perhaps both mother AND father to be writers. You probably wished for them to be great rock musicians, football players, astronauts. Instead, this is the card that you were dealt. And when your family told you that you would be going to Denver for a Writers Conference, you probably were hesitant: certainly, you would be getting out of school for a couple of days, and your parents promised you that they would take you to Casa Bonita, but still, spending the majority of your days at a bookfair or listening to dying writers tell their stories did not seem like the vacation of a lifetime.

Yet, there you were, with your sweet t-shirt and your guitar, darting around the bookfair, occasionally stopping to look at grotesque covers of literary magazines, perhaps hoping that Fence would have that pornstar-looking cover yet again, that some hip girl's skirt would be too short, that some journal might slip you a few extra Hershey's Kisses, that there was something, anything in this bookfair for you to enjoy instead of relying on your own awesome company and your rock and roll.

And so, with great honor, we present you this award. One day you might become bitter and jaded about your time spent in conferences and pedagogic panels, but take heart in that your cheerful disposition and dedication to your craft did not go unnoticed.

We salute you, Harry Axeman. If anyone with questionable sideburns and tight jeans tries to tell you that Harry Potter is trash and that AC/DC is not awesome, you have carte blanche to punch them wherever you see fit. God bless.

Just Dance (da da doo doo)

2010-04-11T01:34:00.000-07:00

I've had a little bit too much
All of the poets start to rush (start to rush by)
A dizzy twisted dance
Can't find my drink oh wait I put it on a table
Where are my keys? I lost my phone.
What's going on on the floor?
I love this record baby but I can't see straight anymore.
Keep it cool, what's the name of this club?
IT'S THE AWP AWKWARD WHITE PEOPLE DANCING EXTRAVAGANZA CLUB!

Best Dancers: The City of Pittsburgh!
Worst Dancers: People Who Thought They Could Dance Like They Were From Pittsburgh!

Best Dancers (Honorable Mention): The Editors of Dislocate Magazine!
Worst Dancers (Honorable Mention): The Editors of Iowa Review!

Winners: The people who kept requesting salsa!
Losers: The people who did not request salsa!

Winners: Respect!
Losers: Self-Respect!

Best Drink To Spill on Kim Addonizio: Coors Original!
Worst Drink To Spill on Kim Addonizio: Gin & Tonic!

Best Song Moment: DJ Kool - Let Me Clear My Throat!
Worst Song Moment: Elliott Smith - Needle in the Hay!

Winners: People who stayed at the Stratobar while people danced!
Losers: People who stayed at the Stratobar while people danced!

Fun fact: The DJ is from Florida! AWP flies him up every year to DJ and pays him a ton of money! Say whaaaaaaaat? Fantastic! He needs to start writing about this! lol

Fun fact #2: I went with the editors of a prestigious journal to another night club called 'The Purple Martini', which was in a glass mall! It was the blackest club in Denver, which means that it was the whitest club I've ever been to!

Shawty what your name is?

The Wild Iris

2010-04-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

Louise Glück (DNP: broken wrist)

Geez Louise, Louise! Put some ice on that thing!

I just saw James Franco eating a turkey leg!

2010-04-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

HI JAMES FRANCO!

I really liked your work in Spiderman 3! I was worried that you'd be a bad guy but it turned out you'd be a good guy! You were motivated by REVENGE and then you put it aside for good and friendship! I am proud of you for this! I really loved your work in Annapolis! That is the capital of Maryland! Many people think it's Baltimore, but it is not! WHERE THE FUCK IS WALLACE?

I really liked your piece in Esquire! I thought it was so amazing and clever how you used dialogue and also you used some dialect in there too! You know a lot about Mexicans! I'm sure that you met a lot of them while being the pitch man for Gucci. You are Gucci Mane! lol

I also liked how in the story the character was driving a car thinking about, you know, life, and then the story ends with him driving a car into oncoming traffic! I mean, wow! That is really strange because when you're reflecting on life, especially in fiction, you never die! So weird! What a swerve! Literally and figuratively! Do you get it?

I am so excited to get your short story collection! I am going to put it on my mantle next to 'Blinking with Fists' and 'A Night Without Armor'!

You were great in Freaks and Geeks.

Slow clap!

2010-04-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

Everyone is standing on chairs! You can't do that! Chairs are for sitting! Whaaaaaaaat?

Also everyone is holding their arms up! I hope that you guys did your cardiovascular or at least the bent-arm hang in high school for the Presidential Fitness Award because that can be exhausting! How is P90X working for you? That Tony Horton is ANNOYING. There are times when I'm like 'Tony Horton, grow UP!' Kempo Karate X is difficult. It's almost as difficult as Mega Man X, and let me tell you, that game is DIFFICULT! I mean, I thought it was Mega Man 10 because I am good with Roman numerals, but it's something completely different! That is difficult already and you haven't even gotten to the Armored Armadillo stage! Also, it is hard to type Mega Man without typing Megan Man! Man, shit's hard!

Whenever I walk through that row I feel like I'm in some sort of gang territory! THESE SIGNS ARE NOT THE TYPICAL BLACK ON WHITE SIGNS I AM FAMILIAR WITH IN REGARDS TO AWP! They're all black and silver! What is happening! One of the tables looks like Home Depot!

Someone is attempting to start the slow clap! I cannot possibly foresee a moment at the AWP Writer's Conference where anyone would receive a slow clap! Unless, of course, Rick Bass had George Saunders in a sleeper hold and George Saunders was starting to fall asleep but we wanted George Saunders to win (we always want George Saunders to win!) and all of the Saundermaniacs started chanting his name and started clapping, first slowly and then faster and faster and faster and then George Saunders bursts out of the sleeper hold, elbows Rick Bass in the gut, bounces off the rope, and then clotheslines him! And then George Saunders climbs to the top of the turnbuckle, signals to the crowd, and performs 'The Braindead Microphone', a moonsault leg drop, but oh no! Guest Referee B.H. Fairchild has been knocked out cold in the process! Rick Bass rolls Saunders off of him, hits him with a copy of the Los Angeles Review, and then does his patented 'Ninemile Wolf Howl' while the crowd boos! Boooooooo Rick Bass! Booooooooo!

The match, of course, ends with it being revealed that B.H. Fairchild is not B.H. Fairchild at all but Philip Lopate, and Rick Bass paid Philip Lopate to get plastic surgery to look like B.H. Fairchild! Rick Bass hits his patented 'Note From Montana', a pumphandle Michinoku driver II, AND puts him through the Spanish announcer's table, which, of course is the HTMLGIGANTES table (and that's a big table!) gets the three count (did I mention it was a 'Falls Count Anywhere' match? Because it was. Michael Chabon drew up the contract on Smackdown!) he wins the Intercontinental Belt from George 'The Animal' Saunders! Boooooooooo Rick Bass! Boooooooooooooo!

So to you, kind person, who tried to start the slow clap, shame, shame on you. However, the shame of trying to start a slow clap and no one going along with you is shame enough. Sadface.

AWP Liveblog Reading Series: Every Off-Site Reading You Attended on Friday

2010-04-09T21:01:00.000-07:00

AWPlayaz - Off-Site Reading (Aftermath, 2010)
7.2

The remix album is a tricky one; many have tried and failed miserably. I must admit, I was skeptical about this collection at first, but I feel as if the addition of these vocals added to the tracks somehow--made them more layered and complex without taking away from the blasting bass or the pasty white dude putting his nipple up on the glass during the reading. Sometimes I preferred the original--I felt as if the manipulating of the sounds took away from the authenticity of the pieces sometimes. Furthermore, I don't quite understand this whole notion of taking hip-hop/dance songs and trying to make them acceptable for the backpacking hipsters to enjoy them. Sometimes a great song is just a great song. I don't need someone else to tell me it is cool because it has been remixed; that is the beauty of pop music: it is both immensely cool and NOT cool at the same time. The beauty is in how finely that line is walked. Also, the talking voiceover is a difficult thing to pull off (success: Boys II Men, Lady Gaga, the Streets first two albums//failure: Ke$ha, the Streets last two albums) though for the most part I feel as if this collaboration was, in fact, necessary: it made the beats fresh and new and exposed it to a different genre all together sometimes. While I'm sure I'll prefer the originals when I'm out in the club grindin' all up on your shawty, I can see myself with headphones on listening to the remixes carefully while going about my day--to add substance to the mundane hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Tracklist:

Rihanna - Umbrella (Remix feat. Miriam Cohen)
Katy Perry - Hot & Cold (Remix feat. Shanna Compton)
Lionel Ritchie - All Night Long (Remix feat. Nick Courtright)
Kanye West - Golddigger (Remix feat. John Gallaher)
Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous (Remix feat. James Grinwis)
Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen! (Remix feat. Chloé Cooper Jones)
Daft Punk - One More Time (Remix feat. Brian Kubarycz)
Usher - Love In This Club (Remix feat. Sabrina Orah Mark)
Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back (Remix feat. Alexis Orgera)
Dr. Dre - The Next Episode (Remix feat. Kimiko Hahn)
Chris Brown - Run It! (Remix feat. Simone Muench)
Michael Jackson - Billie Jean (Remix feat. Monica de la Torre)
Madonna - Like A Prayer (Remix feat. Bruce Covey)
Fergie - London Bridge (Remix feat. Kathleen Rooney)
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance (Remix feat. Gina Myers)
Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body (Remix feat. Davis Schneiderman)
50 Cent - In Da Club (Remix feat. Marisa Crawford)
Missy Elliot - Get Your Freak On (Remix feat. Kim Gek Lin Short)
Beyonce - Single Ladies (Remix feat. Andrew Farkas)
Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Outta My Head (Remix feat. Shelly Taylor)
Ol' Dirty Bastard - Baby I Got Your Money (Remix feat. David Welch)
Lil Wayne - Lollipop (Remix feat. Jen Tynes)
En Vogue - Free Your Mind (Remix feat. Tim Jones-Yelvington)
Cascada - Evacuate The Dance Floor (Remix feat. Amber Nelson)

My favorite movie based on a book that they turned into a book

2010-04-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

Precious: based on the novel Push by Sapphire based on the movie Precious: based on the novel Push by Sapphire, now a major motion film, Precious: based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

THE ROCKIES WIN THE WORLD SERIES!

2010-04-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

I ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME! When the Florida Marlins won the World Series only a few years after their inaugural season, I knew that the Purple and Black would get theirs! And while it took a little longer than expected (like Jesus! or your book of poems!) it has happened! It has finally happened! We're gonna party like it's 1993! This one is for Vinny Castilla! This one's for Andrés Galarraga! This one's for all of the kids who begged their moms for Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets but JCPenny's was all out so they bought them a Colorado Rockies one instead because that's almost as cool, right? The streets are packed! Hope springs eternal!

Wait...you mean that Rocktober doesn't take place in early April? What gives? Why are we being surrounded by black and purple bedazzled boobs and meatheads in Red Colorado hats?

clap clap clapclapclap clap clap clapclap Car Show!

2010-04-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

Hello small woman directing me towards the bookfair! You are so helpful! I was about to walk into the Car Show, and boy, that would've been embarrassing! Sheesh. Wait a second...how did you know I was a writer? I do not have a beard! (By the way, I have seen everyone's beards and they look fantastic! Really nice job everyone! Make sure to congratulate your face for me!) I do not smell like glue and potatoes! I am wearing contacts! You must read minds! Wow! I am impressed. I hear that Joy Harjo can read minds too, but only the minds of HORSES.

Hey, wait a second! I like cars too! I drive one! It is blue and it has windshield wipers! You don't know me! You don't know what I like to do for fun! Maybe I like driving! Maybe I would like to test drive the newest GM vehicle! Cars are inspirational to writers! Think of the book 'On The Road'! Cars are on roads too! The Honda Odyssey is named after a book! A famous one too! If Susan Smith didn't tell the world that her 1990 Mazda Protege was stolen with her kids in the back, Cornelius Eady would cease to exist and I'd never understand race (the categorization of humans into populations or ancestral groups on the basis of various sets of heritable characteristics, not what cars do!)

Perhaps I will go to Hardee's and get some Ed Hardy clothes with a sparkly DRAGON and maybe a crude sketch of a bulldog eating a rose while snowboarding! Then I will get some Ed Hardy beer and Ed Hardy wine and then get drunk and then have to drink some Ed Hardy water and eat a new Hardee's Ed Hardy Hearty Burger new Ed Hardy and Hearty in order to get rid of my hearty hangover and then I will buy a baseball cap and I will not put a crease in it like the cool kids used to do in little league but instead NOT put a crease in it like the cool kids DO in little league and then, and only then, will I be able to test drive the new Dodge Charger and hit people on their bicycles!

Cinnabon

2010-04-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the board of directors paid extra to make the entire conference smell like Cinnabon!

It's the AWP/Cinnabon Collaboration! Live and direct! Shit is real! Forget Noah Eli Gordon and Joshua Marie Wilkinson! Forget Joshua Beckman and Matthew Rohrer!

Cinnabon & AWP 4 LIFE

I'm gonna ask Beth Ann Fennelly if she'll be my Cinnaboo!

Self-Publishing Simplified

2010-04-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

Free books? Free books! Self-Publishing Simplified! Deanna O'Leary, the successfully published author of Don't Miss It and The Cadence of My Soul says "It just doesn't get any better than this!" Are you sure it doesn't get much better than this, Dana? Perhaps it does! Maybe someone will give you an ice cream sandwich! That makes things better than what they are currently! No one receives an ice cream sandwich and is like 'You know what, I liked it better when I didn't have an ice cream sandwich!'

Also, what does does 'successfully published author' mean? Does it mean that she published successfully? Because that's pretty easy! When I press 'Publish Post' on this AWP LIVE BLOG 2010 MILLENNIUM EDITION it says 'Your post was published successfully!' A better book blurb would be 'I published successfully!' --Brian, successfully published author of this blog!

Let's read!

'Do you agree that choosing the right words can sometimes be difficult?'

Yes! I totally do Brent Sampson! That cannot be your real name. Is it your real name? Man, I really hope so. My favorite song is Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine's 'Words Get In The Way'. Is that your favorite song too? I bet you it is! Inspiration comes from the craziest places, don't you think? lol

'Thank goodness for the thesaurus.'

DINOSAURS!? WHERE!?

'As a writer, I would be lost without it.'

Oh! You preordained the volume and/or Microsoft Utterance occupation that my English 101 students employ to jingle smarter than they in point of fact are!

'The thesaurus is an invaluable tool assisting in the success of my craft.'

Did you originally type in 'precious tool' but it sounded kinda sexy? THANK GOODNESS FOR THE THESAURUS!

'Think of full-service self-publishing as a thesaurus.'

Whoa now. What's a metaphor for 'metaphor'?

'Those big publishing houses in New York are the dictionaries.'

Ooh...New York DISS. That's right! Take that, New York. JERSEY! Wait, I like dictionaries. They tell me what words mean and I have fond memories of looking up all of the words that started with 'sex' when I was in middle school. It's confusing though. I told my girlfriend that I thought we were ready for sextant! (we were not ready for sextant)

'One isn't better than the other; they are just different. But all writers, even dictionary purists, would do well to consider using both.'

Yeah! Fuck those bourgeois dictionary purists! Who do they think they are? The offspring of Emmanuel Lewis and some girl named Miriam?

'I keep trying because I share that elusive dream of fame, fortune, and Oprah!'

Oprah is so slippery! I think it's because she uses some weird skin-care products.

Guhhhh I can't keep this up anymore. I was going to start talking about how I'm thinking I'm more of a 'Pearl Package' kind of a guy rather than a Diamond, Ruby, Sapphire, or Emerald one, and probably make some joke about the terrible Nintendo game '8 Eyes' but including a Self-Publishing Book in the AWP totebag is super skeevy.

Don't pay someone ($1099 for the Pearl Package!) to publish your work for you. If you're that desperate to get your work out there, put your stuff online using issuu.com or hog a photocopier for a few hours and invite your friends over for a book stitching party. If it's good, people will read it.

The more you know!

Lanyard - An Update

2010-04-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

I just found out that there are different colored lanyards out there! Schleps like me get a green one! Those who are on the AWP get a RED one. Perhaps this is because the board is associated with bravery, purity, happiness, good luck, heat, fire, energy, blood, anger, passion, love, pain, and sacrifice! Though I doubt it! I am going to steal the guy at the Orchises Press' lanyard! It will be an elaborate process! First, I will remove my name from my lanyard and slip it in my pocket! I will remove the lanyard from my neck and walk up to the table and casually read translations of Ali Yüce's work and make a comment to the dude along the lines of 'Wow! That Ali, she really is a Turkish delight!' and he won't get the joke and then I'll ask him if he read The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe and he'll say 'Of course!' and then I'll yell 'The great cat is dead!' and then flip over the table and steal his lanyard. This, of course will backfire because people will assume that I am on the staff of AWP and I will be forced to answer questions like 'Why don't we have the conference in Seattle/Portland/Jefferson City/Bangor/Bangkok/Ponte Vedra/Montgomery/Little Rock/Minneapolis/Barf City?' and that is how Roger Lathbury will have his revenge!

There are other color codes out there!

Green: you & me
Red: the hierarchy
Blue: the Gestapo
Gold: the 1993 Denver Nuggets minus LaPhonso Ellis
Black: kittens
Purple: Colorado-based piano rock group The Fray
Leopard Print: People who have seen the movie 'Cop and a Half'

Gotta catch 'em all! (pokemon reference)

Literary Themed Rap Groups

2010-04-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

There are no rap artists from Denver. Unless, of course, you count this guy, and after looking at him, there is no way I can count this guy.

And so!

Literary Themed Rap Groups Part 2!

Ghostface Town
H_NGM_N
River Teef
One Story
Diagram (of coke)
Copper Nickelbag
Flatmancrooked
Gray Peanutbutter Wolf
McSweezey's
The Flo Rida Review
Dislocate
Switchbackthatazzup
Cleveland State University Poetry Center
Cutthroat
Gat City Review
Kilohole Publications
LIT Magazine
Upstreet

AWP Goes Green!

2010-04-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

Hey look! It's your official 2010 Denver AWP Bag sponsored by The University of Colorado Denver/Copper Nickel, University of Denver, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the Poetry Foundation! I guess the Poetry Foundation feels as if they don't need to show up this year because their name is on the bag! That's some bushleague stuff! It's like that one time I was really excited to meet John Elway and the entire day I was like 'I'm going to meet John Elway!' and then I wore my John Elway jersey and I showed up and there was a not John Elway but a guy wearing a John Elway suit and he was DRUNK and I was like 'That's not John Elway!' and there was a guy in a blazer who was like 'What do you mean kids! It's totally John Elway!' and then I'm like 'That's not John Elway! Look at his teeth! They are small like Chiclet gum!' and then they gave me a football with a screen printed signature on it and I was like 'Fuck you John Elway! Never again! Never again!'

Well you hear that, Poetry Foundation? NEVER AGAIN! If Ruth Lilly was still alive she would kick the shit out of you! RIP Ruth, you don't deserve this. (ps poetry foundation i hope you like my application i could use the money. kisses, b)

Ooh, this bag has a different FEEL to it! Bag feel is very important to me. Many people talk about 'paper feel' but those people are WRONG! It's all about the bags, baby. They have ditched the glossy bag of years past and have gone with a more rustic feel that conjures up images of small press poetry books that are super expensive and are filled with poems by people I don't know but I might want to know but I won't buy the books because they're too pretty and too expensive! I am going to start a press called 'iPad Press' and sell chapbooks for 500 dollars on a Kindle (swerve!) so you won't be able to jailbreak them no matter how hard you google 'iPad press chapbook jailbreak warez' and trust me, I know how hard you google!

I am excited for the future of AWP bags! Perhaps they will use the same stuff that Sun Chip bags are made of next year so when anyone touches it or puts a copy of an undergraduate literary journal in it, everyone in the entire world will know because those things are LOUD. Am I rite peoples? (yes I am right)

Jesus, they must make those things out of the loudest plants in the world! I think they are called Amiri Barakazaleas! I don't know! I'm not a botanist. :(

The lanyard this year is green which shows the dedication to the environment! I was asked by Greenpeace if I wanted to save the ocean which is the second AWP in a row where I was accosted by those people! They followed me from Chicago! They had my flight information! I was like 'No thanks man, I got places to be.' and then opened up three dozen cans of purse-seined dolphin net tuna and threw them on the ground because I don't eat that shit! Mercury (cafe) poisoning!

The lanyard is sponsored by Bath Spa Creative Writing Hotel Casino! I hope I can get a massage by that foxy lady that used to be on the back cover of Writer's Chronicle while she tells me that the story I turned in for workshop shows great potential and deft language. This guy knows what I'm talkin' about!

THERE IS A BEAR ATTACKING THE CONFERENCE CENTER

2010-04-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE STAY CALM!

Bears are mammals of the family Ursidae! Bears are classified as caniforms, or doglike carnivorans, with the pinnipeds being their closest living relatives! Although there are only eight living species of bear, they are widespread, appearing in a wide variety of habitats throughout the Northern Hemisphere and partially in the Southern Hemisphere!

Common characteristics of modern bears include a large body with stocky legs, a long snout, shaggy hair, plantigrade paws with five nonretractile claws, and a short tail! While the polar bear is mostly carnivorous and the giant panda feeds almost entirely on bamboo, the remaining six species are omnivorous, with largely varied diets including both plants and animals!

With the exceptions of courting individuals and mothers with their young, bears are typically solitary animals! They are generally diurnal, but may be active during the night (nocturnal) or twilight (crepuscular), particularly around humans! Bears are aided by an excellent sense of smell, and despite their heavy build and awkward gait, they can run quickly and are adept climbers and swimmers! Bears use shelters such as caves and burrows as their dens, which are occupied by most species during the winter for a long period of sleep similar to hibernation!

Bears have been hunted since prehistoric times for their meat and fur! To this day, they play a prominent role in the arts, mythology, and other cultural aspects of various human societies! It just wants to see what is going on in the conference center! It is interested in your novel in verse! It is inviting you to his picnic! It thinks that Boon Hoggenback is the worst and if Faulkner is in there he's going to eat him, so look out literary magazines that decide to reprint stories by long-dead literary figures and list them on the back cover of your journal in hopes of having someone be like 'Wow! Faulkner is in here?' and then it's just the eight-hundreth reprinting of 'Ambuscade' and you're like 'Aw man, I already read that in Miss Eby's 8th grade honor's English class!' and the bear is like 'I know, me too!' and you're like 'You went to school?' and he says 'Yes, my memoir about it was published by Random House!' and you're like 'Really?' and the bear is like 'Yes, it's called The Berenstein Bears Go To School. I studied under Teacher Bob, who was my undergraduate thesis adviser but when I went up to them and tried to talk to him, he tried to avoid me and hit on the girls at the Pacific Review table and it kind of creeped me out.' and I was like 'Sorry Bear.' and he's like 'It's okay, I'm working on a memoir about my immigration from Darkest Peru where all I had was an old hat, a battered suitcase, a duffle coat and my love of cocoa and marmalade sandwiches.' and I was like 'Yes, immigration nonfiction is so hot right now, Bear, that is a really good idea.' and he's like 'Yes I know, I am smarter than the average bear.' and then I tried to set something on fire and he punched me in the face.

And that was the best conversation I had at AWP. WHAT WAS YOURS?

Comment! Interactive Live Blog 2010!

In the Aeroplane over the sea (and by sea I mean Kansas)

2010-04-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

Whoosh! Flying is the best. If you found a magic lamp underneath the Sycamore Review table and you rubbed it and Dinty Moore (new prez of AWP! Respect! Now make good on your campaign promises of a Pepsi machine in the lunch room and more ice cream socials!) popped out and was like 'You get three wishes!' you'd be like 'I wish that Sven Birketts would look me in the eye! I wish that there was a clock that appeared above everyone's head that counted up from the last time they ate at Arby's so I could judge people quite easily and if all of a sudden one of my friend's clocks was at like 12 years, 211 days, 4 hours, 33 minutes, and 54 seconds and then I saw them about three days later and their clock was at 1 day, 12 hours, 17 minutes, and 3 seconds, I could register that as a WARNING SIGN and be like 'dude what is wrong?' and they'd be like 'oh nothing', you know, like the thing that depressed people say, and then you can hug them and hold them close and be like 'don't you quit on me. don't you do it.' and they'd be like 'wow, check out that intuition by so-and-so, they're my bestest friend and so observant' and you would smile because ARBY'S CLOCK. And your third wish would be 'I wish I could flyyyyyyyyyy!' And let me tell you, that's a triple-threat combination (which I think is on the menu at Arby's though I wouldn't know because my Arby's clock is an infinity symbol).

That way when you fly you can smoke all you want and make as many jokes of lighting your shoes on fire as you want and you can chuckle to yourself because hey, that's a pretty funny joke to tell people on an airplane especially when we are at THREAT COLOR ORANGE which is the prettiest hue of all of the threat colors, except for THREAT COLOR MAGENTA which is a rather attractive threat color and you look really good in it, it really brings out your eyes.

There was this one time I was flying and I shouted out 'I have a BOMB in my backpack!' and everyone went *gasp!* and then they tazed me and I yelled 'Don't taze me, bro!' and then my backpack opened to reveal an issue of BOMB which is Miranda July's favorite magazine! And then everyone was like 'Oh! You have an issue of BOMB which is Miranda July's favorite magazine!' and I was like 'Yeah, silly, that's what I meant.' and they were like 'Yeah, that's a pretty good joke!' and I was like 'Yeah, I know!' and then the plane blew up because my issue of BOMB which is Miranda July's favorite magazine had a BOMB in it which is Miranda July's favorite magazine, but that issue had a daisy-cutter in it, which is Miranda July's second favorite explosive behind the Blue Peacock chicken-powered-nuclear explosive.

But it was all okay because I was a Qatar Diplomat which is almost like a Cam'Ron Diplomat. Dipset for life!

I am sorry! I shouldn't joke about BOMBs because they are Miranda July's favorite magazine! Also they kill people! I am referring to the range of explosive devices that only rely on the exothermic mortality chemical reaction of an explosive material to provide an extremely sudden and violent release of explosion, not BOMB magazine which is Miranda July's favorite magazine! I can see how this can get confusing!

BOOM

Pew Pew Pew

2010-04-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

*DJ Airhorn Sounds*

Wha gawn likkle poets! Jaganblok! One time Denver hold tight Denver ja!

I am sorry if that was confusing! It was JAMAICAN! Jamaica is the best island there is! Usain Bolt stand up! Shaggy stand up! Let's get together and feel alright because I can see clearly now the rain is gone!

Welcome to DENVERCO and welcome to the AWP live blogggggg 2k10. How have you been since Chicago? Did you make out with that female poet that kisses like fire teeth? Good! How's your small press doing? Did you make enough copies of that thing that you pressed? I'm glad to hear it! The arts are important! The arts are our future and so are our children! The children are our future not the arts in order to clarify! lol

I am doing okay! Thank you for asking! I will be sharing a bed with famous person at AWP (I don't sleep next to people and tell because that is something that I do not do! Go scour the Poets & Writer's Speakeasy Forum for gossip! Or watch Chelsea Lately! She so funny! She's like vodka! And I'm like 'I KNOW RIGHT?') Also, I have been sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber in order to adjust to the ALTITUDE! I am not being hyperbolic! Jokes!

You see, there is this thing called 'see level' and Denver is above it! This makes the air taste like peppermint schnapps and it is hard to adjust to! Also, the air is thinner (like that Steven King book!) as opposed to the delicious creamy air in [REDACTED] which is where I live and work and write and have been playing Fates Warning's Awaken the Guardian on repeat to train for COLORADOOOO! (there are not very many famous musicians from Colorado. I will later make reference to India.Arie!)

You crazy for this one Denver! (jay-z is not from denver)

Chicagoodbye :(

2009-02-15T08:53:00.000-08:00

Au revoir, ma petite cherie. My heart is emptier than the New York Tyrant table.

CU IN 2010 IN CO

Poetry in an Elevator

2009-02-14T21:53:00.000-08:00

Living it up while I'm going down to the bookfair...nuh nuh nyeeeah! nuh nuh nyeaaaah!

That is not my favorite Aerosmith song! My favorite Aerosmith song is the one that is a big metaphor for love and sex! That one rocks so hard, oh my god.

SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO THE CHICAGO HILTON CLOSED CIRCUIT TELEVISION FEED AND IS BROADCASTING POETRY INSTEAD OF CSPAN. We are at Threat Level Red, people! This is like the time in Live Free Or Die Hard when Seth Bullock time traveled from the 1800s and used technology against us! Or when SKYNET set off all the bombs and started the Robot-Human War back in August of 1997 that the Deep South is still recovering from! And what's worse is that the robots like POETRY. We are SO DEAD. How could we let this happen! They were just machines! How did they learn to be sentient beings with an appreciation for depitation (don't be fooled robots! they used the Microsoft Word thesaurus!) and keen rhetorical devices! Today, like any other day we wake up empty BECAUSE THE ROBOTS HAVE TAKEN OUR HUMANITY. You could have at least warned us, Rumi! You're all mystical and shit! I blame your translator. When I see Coleman Barks I'm gonna use primitive man-crafted tools to fuck him up! Unless of course he's a cyborg and his head is kind of like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and he's wandering around in a exosuit and then he will be really difficult to defeat unless of course I press A and B at the same time to initiate my SUPER-SAI attack (Robert Haas spilled Jolt on the Leonardo side of the arcade console...be more careful next time, BOB!) and then carefully wail on him with my ninja forks until he starts flashing pink, and then red, and then he'll activate his second-boss form and start FLYING and dropping bombs like 'I don't even speak Persian' and we'll all be like 'seriously dude?' and we'll be DISTRACTED by April O'Neil and it'll be like CONTINUE? blink blink blink.

OR we can send Billy Collins back in time to protect a young Kay Ryan who will give birth to the savior of our human race!

Here come my night thoughts
On crutches,
Returning from studying the heavens.
What they thought about
Stayed the same,
Stayed immense and incomprehensible.

They sent him back through time to 1984.
Man. He hadn't even been born yet.
It messes with your head;
Mom and him were only together for, like, one night,
but she still loves him, I guess.

I see her crying sometimes.
She denies it totally of course,
like she got something stuck in her eye.

---

Uhhh....On second thought...maybe I should just take the stairs.

Descending Figure

2009-02-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

Is Louise Glück's wrist still broken? Where you at girl? I told you to lay off the tennis! That'll just reaggravate it! Your re-match with Martina Hingis can WAIT.

Hearts on Fire

2009-02-14T16:05:00.000-08:00

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Valentine's Day! If there's anything that us writers love more than love it's writing about love! Love is in the air! Love lifts us up to where we belong! Love is a battlefield! *shoulder shrug pimp fight*

I'm going to propose to my girlfriend at AWP! I'll probably do it right in front of the New Madrid table! I will get down on one knee and my little badge will sway back and forth and turn around and I'll make sure to adjust it accordingly so everyone can see it so that there's an off chance they know my name from '________ Review' or 'Best _________ Volume _____' and will be like 'OMG I LOVE YOU' because that's what Valentine's Day is all about! I will then pull out a BUTTON that I have acquired from one of the many tables that give out buttons and be like 'With this button I thee wed' and I'll pin it on her overly frumpy hand-me-down sweater and I'll try my best not to stab through the porous material but I'll probably do it anyway and she'll be like 'OW...who are you?' and then I'll go hang out with the nice Hilton employee who is serving 2 dollar baby bottles of Diet Coke and I'll be like 'Buster' (his name will be Buster) 'Buster, life is hard...love...love is...strange.' and he'll just nod and maybe he'll give me a free ice cube or something.

OR maybe I'll do it in the middle of the lobby like that one commercial where the guy is like 'I LOVE THIS WOMANNNNNNNNN' and all the pigeons fly away (and by pigeons I mean those who are self-publishing) and then I'll be like 'Hit it Buster!' and Buster will be playing that grand piano and play our favorite song Jermaine Stewart - We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off, but it'll be a piano version and soft and sweet and I'll delicately chime in at the 'na na na na nanana naaa naaa' part and as I'm doing this I'll present her with a bottle of Tabasco sauce I got at the Southern Review table and I'll be like 'we are a lovely and efficient blend of tabasco and vinegar, hot to the touch, spicing up anything that we pour ourselves onto, including chicken, fish, crab cakes, omelets, and other food stuffs and also we select Poems and fiction with careful attention to craftsmanship and technique and to the seriousness of the subject matter but shy away from experimental forms because our love is not a gimmick and it can distract from the integrity of our sanctity,' and we'll be in love forever!

OR maybe I'll go to the United Center and do it during halftime of the Chicago Bulls game and Benny the Bull and the Luv-A-Bulls will help me in some hilarious and elaborate proposal scheme and Bill Cartwright and Toni Kucok will give me the 'THUMBS UP DUDE WAY TO GO' and there will be NACHOS and it'll be awesome and have nothing to do with writing with the exception of Mary Jo Bang being there and trying to hit a half-court shot with the chance to win $5,000 and a one-and-a-half year subscription to Willow Springs, except she'll shoot the ball and like a strange balloon mounting towards infinity it'll clank off the shot clock and hit me in the face right as I'm about to propose and now VALENTINE'S DAY IS RUINED!

J/K I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND (CALL ME?)

I'm gonna get a lip ring or a baby!

2009-02-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I might be living in a cave or in Stuart Dybek's basement, but aren't liprings and babies passe? I mean, I guess a lipring is kind of cool...I mean, it's metal through your lip, but babies? Babies are so stupid. They're just excuses to be sentimental and stop writing about the ecstasy of Guatemalan house cleaners and the intimacy of the image.

If you needed something to jog your 'creative brain', you could've just asked me...watch...volcanoes. See? Easy. Here's another one: Baptists. Those first two are free, other ideas are gonna cost you, uterus-girl.

Go write a poem about your future child, MOM...geez. Running out of ideas much?

Frog Fucking and a Marching Band

2009-02-13T23:46:00.000-08:00

I...I don't know what to say.

Shut Up Environment!

2009-02-13T15:21:00.000-08:00

Hello Greenpeace worker! I am on my way to eat a delicious sandwich that consists of meat and more meat inbetween some slices of meat! Would you like to come along with me? What? You have a clipboard! Clipboards are great! You can clip things to them AND you can attach a pen to it so you don't have to worry about losing your favorite Mont Blanc! I think Mont Blanc uses dog's blood for their ink! In that case, maybe you would prefer to use a Bic or maybe a PILOT (books) or something along those lines! I don't know, writing utensils are so hard to come by these days. I hear that August Kleinzahler used a mini-golf pencil to write 'The Strange Hours Travelers Keep'!

You shout at me saying 'Writers Like Whales!' which is a logical fallacy! Writers HATE whales! In fact, we are against all members of the Cetacea order as we are against all things that are spindle-shaped, such as cigars and explicitly phallic sex toys (we prefer the Sybian!) In fact, the Muscovy Company was originally a writer's circle who were tired of the constraints of the workshop format and were really looking for another way to creatively express themselves as they had exhausted the intimacy of the image and had done all of the exercises in 'Writing Alone, Writing Together'!

Our favorite hockey team is the Hartford Whalers! Rita Wolf has a #10 Ron Francis jersey in her closet and whistles "Brass Bonanza" before every reading!

Know why you see a bunch of writers sitting in circles in the hallway? Because WHALES ARE SCARED OF CIRCLES! It makes those blubbery bastards quiver in the ocean! It has nothing to do with some semblance of fake camaraderie that comes from sifting through (AND CIRCLING) events in the AWP Guidebook!

Lake Michigan? NO WHALES.

We all think The Decemberists are terrible!

Jonah: published in the August 39BC issue of Ploughshares!

Pinnochio and Gepetto: collaborative sestina in 'Saints of Hysteria'!

Moby Dick is a metaphor for trying to get into that journal that gives you handwritten rejections and all of your friends are like 'Oh, have you tried Indiana Review? They'll LOVE you!' and you grit your teeth like grrrrrrrrr.

Benedict Arnold > Judas > Vidkun Quisling > Marcus Junius Brutus > Heathcote Williams

If he started a literary journal it'd be called 'Fifth Column'!

I guess sashimi is okay.

I hear The New Anonymous is protesting scientology over in Grant Park! Let's GO!

A Boring Liveblog Of A Panel On A Boring Liveblog

2009-02-13T13:31:00.000-08:00

11:55: Finish eating aforementioned donut.
12:00: Take seat at panel.
12:03: Talk to Roger, a representative for Hilton Event Services! Asks us if we need to use Powerpoint! I tell him 'don't you realize that powerpoint is an ineffective learning tool? People are too distracted on the fun backgrounds (look bubbles!) and MS COMIC SANS and STARWIPES to pay attention to the material on the screen! Besides, I don't even know how to use the internet!' He arranges our water glasses and pitcher in the shape of an arrow pointing out to the audience! If I ran over that arrow, I would go SUPERFAST and might be able to catch DONKEY KONG who is obviously in the lead after timing that jump at the beginning of Rainbow Road perfectly!
12:05: Close doors. Flick lights on and off to let people know that there's only 5 minutes left to finish your zebra snack cakes and mosey on over to ART where we will be using GLITTER today!
12:07: There is a lipstick smudge on my glass! HOT. I wonder who spoke before me? If I touch my lips to the lipstick, it'd be just like kissing this person, right? Kim Addonizio makeout session HERE I COME!
12:08: Making out with Kim Addonizio
12:09-12:32: Hi and welcome to panel blah blah writing blah the children blah blah you can do it too blah synergy blah blah and someone leaves in the middle of my speech, thanks a lot, it really means a lot, DON'T SHOW UP if you can't stay for the whole thing! Blargh! Also, that woman over there is eating a sandwich! Yum. I wish I had a sandwich. Wait am I saying this aloud?
12:32: Applause! Thank you thank you!
12:33: Applesauce! Thank you thank you!
12:34: Remaining panel members, activate! A bunch of other folks leave, but they look GOTH! Remember GOTH, guys? Man, was that weird. I'm glad that's over. I like your non-functional zippers, lady. Buy yourself a track jacket...now THAT'S a zipper with some function! Or apple bottom jeans!
12:40: HA! You tried to leave and totally knocked over a chair. That's what you get! Shit just got real! So real it was probably John Updike's GHOST.
12:46: Oh look, someone just arrived! UR LATE
12:55: TEXT MESSAGE: 'Italian beef?' Yes and please.
1:10: HANDSHAKES!

That was meta!

HOLY SHIT LOOK IT'S STEVEN KING!

2009-02-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

THERE HE IS! THE MASTER OF HORROR!

AWP Wants You Dead/Not Dead

2009-02-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

Dear UCR Palm Desert MFA,

Thank you for sponsoring this year's blue neck band thing! It is incredibly stylish and will match the color of my tears later on after the folks at Newpages give me their first ever thumbs down and send me down the Bad Egg chute to the Chicago Hilton Incinerator! Also, thank you for making the blue neck band thing STRETCHY! Wow! I could poke out Anne Sexton's other eye with this! Can you say slingshot? (slingshot!)

However, how can I ever hang myself from the sprinkler in my Hilton room? There is way too much torque and everyone knows that TORQUE is key in self-asphyxiation! At this rate, I'll just fall to the ground and slingshot (slingshot!) and hit my head on the ceiling! Ouch! Oh well...alcohol poisoning it is!

Wait...Mid American Review is giving out a PIZZA CUTTER? RADICAL. If there's one thing Mid-America knows, it's its starch and cheese combinations! Ohio is even shaped like a pizza that you'd make for your girlfriend when you tried to make your homemade dough and then you put pepperoni on it, but she's a vegetarian and is not a fan of encased meats (no homo) and then the NOID shows up and is like 'Hey! Remember me! I was just used in an AWP Liveblog!' and then the creepy plastic post-bariatric surgery guy from Papa John's (I believe his name is Father John) is like 'Better Ingredients! Better Pizza! Better Late Night Talks About Destiny And Fireflies!' and THEN you remember that you read 'James and the Giant Peach' AND 'Maniac Magee' AND 'Encyclopedia Brown Sings The Blues' AND 'Goosebumps: Horror Bug Camp' and so you go to PIZZA HUT so you can BOOKIT and perhaps get NINE FUCKING POUNDS of Pizza Hut lasagna which was approved by unsuspecting Italians (oh no, Italians!) who, apparently, have the tastebuds of someone from Ohio (sorry Ernest Byner) and don't know anything about food ever, because, yes, REAL LIFE ITALIANS go to fine restaurants that serve MACARONI AND CHEESE WITH BACON!

I know what you're thinking though...'AWP Liveblog, Pizza Cutters are too practical and I can't get proper laceration because the pizza cutter's natural motion is to press down instead of across, and besides, killing onesself with a pizza cutter isn't exactly all that cool; if I were to off myself with a kitchen utensil, I would have to go with the much classier mezzaluna, because it sounds much more romantic (ITALIANS CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOURMET LASAGNA AND PIZZA HUT LASAGNA HOLY SHIT WE ARE FUCKED) and the Inuits used something similar to trim little Inuit children's hair!' And to that I say, wow, you sure do think a lot about cutting tools, did you wikipedia that or something, and then you say 'Yes, I did use wikipedia for that, it is a multi-lingual web-based free-content encyclopedia project that is a portmanteau of the words wiki and encyclopedia,' and I say, wow, you sure do know a lot about wikipedia, did you wikipedia that or something, and then you say 'Yes.'

And SO I give to you...THE IOWA REVIEW LETTER OPENER!

It's a piece of yellow plastic that can be easily broken to reveal a freaking RAZOR BLADE. Also, upon smashing of the letter opener, the plastic becomes a CHOKING HAZARD, so double the death! Hurry up and get to the table fast before the people working the Iowa Review table realize their incredible fortune and start ending their lives after coming to the conclusion that they currently live in Iowa City, Iowa (Regenia Bailey holler back!) and they have spent three years hearing stories about how Mark Jarman once baked too many peanut butter cookies for a function even though Robert Penn Warren was all like 'Mark, don't you think that's enough peanut butter cookies?' and Mark Jarman was like 'No!' and then it turned out to be TOO MANY PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES and isn't that a funny story???

And if those things won't kill ya, those heat lamps will! I feel like an airport bagel sandwich under those things!

A Donut Looks Like A Zero

2009-02-13T09:22:00.000-08:00

Why hello Dunkin Donut! You are delicious! Apparently AWP has you listed as a sponsor because your orange and pink signs light up the sky like Valzhyna Mort's smile. I love you so much right now, especially since you have this delightful combo that will provide me with a medium coffee and TWO donuts for less than four dollars American! Wow! In these difficult times, Dunkin Donuts, you are somehow able to provide a little ray of sunshine in my stomach. But what donuts shall I purchase? Personally, I like the succulent lemon donut, however, you appear to be out of this particular type of donut, which makes me quite sad. However, it is for the best, because the white powder will undoubtedly make me look like I have been doing a great deal of cocaine and getting 'Funkdafied' with famous Chicago rapper Da Brat even though she is currently in prison after smashing a rum bottle on some woman (it is okay, Da Brat, Malibu makes me want to break people's faces too! I suggest trying some Mr. Boston! It's made in Boston, the epicenter of sugar cane, so you KNOW it's good!) Speaking of Boston, a Boston Cream donut sounds fabulous! Yes! I will have one of those! And for my other donut, I will have an apple fritter! Apples are great! Did you know that Chicago is called 'The Big Apple'? It's so appropriate! I am so excited for these geographic treats! If only you guys had a 3 Donuts and 1 coffee deal I could get myself a Cincinnati Roll!

Wait. What? An apple fritter is not a donut? What do you MEAN an apple fritter is not a donut? What IS it then? A fritter? What the fuck is a fritter? A fritter is a donut! Wait...a fritter is a pastry? YOU'RE A PASTRY! ANTOINE CAREME IS GOING TO TRAVEL FORWARD IN TIME TO FEBRUARY OF 2009 AND HIT YOU IN THE NOSE WITH A GLASS PASTRY DISH AND THEN HE'LL ESCAPE INTO THE PAST AND NEVER GET CAUGHT BECAUSE IT'LL BE LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE THAT'S HOW TIME TRAVEL WORKS AND HE'LL FIX IT BUT HE MIGHT STEP ON A BUTTERFLY OR SOMETHING OF THAT EFFECT AND THEN THE WORLD WILL COMPLETELY CHANGE AND NICHOLAS SPARKS WILL BE THE HEAD OF AWP AND THEREFORE THE NOTEBOOK WOULDN'T BE A FINANCIAL SUCCESS AND NO GIRLS WOULD READ IT AND I WOULD HAVE WATCHED THE MOVIE WITH A GIRL THAT WAS TOTALLY NEVER SLEEPING WITH ME EVER BUT I TRIED ANYWAY, TRIED TO ENJOY THE SUBTLE NUANCES OF THE GOSLING-MCADAMS TUMULTUOUS RELATIONSHIP AND COMMENT THAT YES LOVE ISN'T EASY IT'S HARD AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HARD FOR NOTHING! HAVEN'T YOU READ THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE!? I THINK THAT IS WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT! GO ASK AUDREY NIFFENEGGER SHE HAS PINK HAIR THE COLOR OF THE DONUTS IN THE DONUTS OF YOUR PUNCH AND JUDY JORDAN OPERATION AND SHE'S GONNA BREAK A BOTTLE OVER YOUR COLLECTIVE DONUT HEADS AND MAKE YOU CHANGE THE NAME OF YOUR CORPORATION TO 'DUNKIN DONUTS AND FRITTERS AND PASTRIES AND AUDREY NIFFENEGGER BROKE MY FACE'.

In the meantime, I would like a marble frosted. Scrumptious!

Black Warrior Review/Bat City Review/Mare Nostrum Reading

2009-02-13T02:27:00.000-08:00

This is totally a fire hazard. This is a city known for fires! Their MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER TEAM IS CALLED THE CHICAGO FIRE. And as we all know, MLS Teams are fully representative of their people! Columbus has a lot of CREWS and CREW CUTS. New Yorkers drink a lot of Red Bull! Tampa Bay used to have a lot of mutinies! Chicago has FIRES.

I wonder what the structural integrity of The Hop Leaf is! I hope it is sound! Structural disasters are rampant and terrifying! Ask a Bostonian about his phobia of molasses! I made a Shoofly pie once and give it to Ted Kennedy in celebration of Obama's Inauguration and it was NOT a good idea! Boy do I have egg on MY face! Sheesh!

At what temperature do writers burn? I say '3', but my friend Dave says 'probably around 320 degrees.' I think he's being a little extreme here! Metaphors are like fuel for the fire! Whoa! That was a metaphor! See what I mean?

OH MY GOD THE FIRE ALARM JUST WENT OFF. Oh, no...that was someone's ironic rap ringtone! I assumed it was ironic because it was 50 Cent's 'I Got Money', which is sooooooo not true, stipend-boy! Unless you got published in Narrative or something! That's GOTTA be a money-laundering business for the Colombians, right?

'We have all of this dirty cocaine money, boss...what are we gonna do with it?'
'Well, comrade, how about we start an online journal where we make people PAY us to send submissions...'
'You mean for contests, boss?'
'No...ALL submissions...we'll call it a reading fee...muhahahaha.'
'Wow! That's brilliant, boss! It sounds shady though!'
'We'll spin it so we'll say that we're an online journal and so you can READ us for free instead of paying money for an actual journal! It's foolproof!'
'But there are really high quality online journals like Blackbird and Diagram and Octopus who offer their stuff for free and submissions don't cost anything!'
'SILENCE!'

Well, it's a good thing those Narrative folks are getting exposed for being a total scam and...

"The gold standard for online literary magazines. In addition to fiction, creative non-fiction, and poetry, Narrative publishes features on craft, teaching, and other topics related to a writer's professional life. Website content is updated bi-weekly, weekly, and monthly, depending on the feature. They also send e-mails alerting readers to the "Story of the Week" — which has recently featured Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Edith Wharton, Stuart Dybek, and Joyce Carol Oates. Narrative is also the only literary magazine currently available on Amazon's Kindle." --Esquire, Jan 22, 2009

DAMN YOU COLOMBIAN DRUG TRAFFICKERS! YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS!

The fire alarm just went off for real this time!!! Noooooooo! I will carry you to safety Elisabeth Benjamin! All you other losers can burn!

Whew! A false alarm. Must have went off because Hadar Bar-Nadav is on FIRE like NBA Jam! (second NBA Jam reference this liveblog!) DUNK FROM THE FOUL LINE!

AWP Raps!

2009-02-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

Bob Hicokblokaz
Kim Addon Eaze-E O
Hayden's Fury
Black Warrior Review
9MM Letter
Haki Madhubuti
Tomaz Salamar in 81 Sound
AGNI
Cash Rules Everything Around Me City
TupeShawtyLo Press
Packingtown Review
Black Ocean
Rita Peanutbutter Wolf
Joyce Carol Bros

I know you can outdo me in the comments! You know how rap works, right???

Registration!

2009-02-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

Wow! I am so excited that I pre-registered for the AWP Conference! As soon as I saw that the option was available I was like 'heck yes, the early bird always gets the worm I say and my lady really likes it when I pre-register while we do some heavy petting while we read each other Gulf Coast!' Have you tried fondling breasts and holding an extraordinary large literary journal at the same time? It is an advanced move! Gotta be careful with that ecstasy though! You might get so wrapped up in reading lyric essays you'll leave an unnecessary contributor's note on the sheets! HEYYO!

Let's see, let's just go down this flight of stairs and WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE? This must be some mistake! They must be wanting to go to the healthspa that was so deliciously advertised on the sign in the lobby! I can appreciate that! I went online and bought a PedEgg and buzzsawed those calluses smoother than Terrance Hayes (I know! That's SO smooth!). Also I hear that they're giving out Swedish Massages at the OneStory booth! Have you seen those pink tanktops? H-O-T-T HOTT! If it's anyone who needs a makeover it's me! I gotta get my tweezer right so my eyebrows stop looking like Freytag's Pyramid with a jagged vertical shaved eyebrow a la Soulja Boy representing my tendency for inconsistent denouements!

This is the Pre-Registration line? What the ZZ Packer is this hullaballoo! Man. This is what I get for trusting the Internet! Oh well, at least us writers are a demure and kind people who will not make any noise or rumblings about having to stand in line. In fact, everyone is cracking jokes like 'Wow! This is a long line!' and 'Is this line long enough for you?' and 'I haven't seen a line this long since *insert time you saw some dead poet read at some abandoned warehouse in some swanky city I've never been to*' and I'm all like 'I know! I haven't seen a line this long since I went to David Foster Wallace's funeral...I thought I was getting close to the casket but then I realized I had to read all of the footnotes, and by footnotes I mean everyone in the world giving his corpse one final handjob!' But no, I didn't say that, or else DFW would haunt me from the grave and make me make him grilled cheese sandwiches for NO REASON AT ALL! So, to you, David Foster Wallace, I JEST (infinitely, but not infinitely because that would require an afterlife or ghosts and we already talked about that).

Whoa! An old lady just got DRILLED by a rolling suitcase! You just got SERVED by an American Tourister carrying 800 copies of an undergraduate literary journal chock with lines such as 'warm milk and honey', 'dark is the night', 'azure spider tears' and the words 'cacophony' 'bloodface' and 'ye'! If only you were upended by a bunch of critically acclaimed but difficult to track down limited edition chapbooks by so-and-so, that tear in your eggplant colored linen pants wouldn't be a whole lot more decadent!

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY WRITERS WITH THE A LAST NAME THAT STARTS WITH L THROUGH O!? For real, though! All of these McFlarfannerys and O'Irishes need to go back to farming potatoes (Why did the father potato not want his daughter to marry a newscaster? Because he was a commontater!!! LOL) and quit WRITING about farming potatoes. Who do you think you are, Seamus Heaney? I know Seamus Heaney and you are NO Seamus Heaney! Besides, his last name starts with an H and therefore he would go register over THERE in the heavenly fast moving G-K section and bury us sucka L-O(sers) without shrowd or coffin because that's just how the man rolls. He'll cut ya!

I made friends in the line! One is a writer from Maryland and the other is a writer from California! TWO writers in the same line! Crazy, right?

The person helping give out sleek black tote bags in the G-K looks like Amy Winehouse! Oh, wait, no, she just has black hair and has an arm sleeve! Sorry, I thought I was Paul Muldoon for a second! (DAD JOKE!)

Art Spiegelman hates cats.

2009-02-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

Art Spiegelman! In the 8th grade you TRICKED me into learning about the Holocaust, which is, oh, I don't know, THE MOST DEPRESSING THING EVER! Here I was in Silent Sustained Reading (SSR) and there was an option for a comic book with PICTURES in it and I got super excited and was like 'Wow! Perhaps my public school education has not failed me like it has failed so many others...' but NO! There were concentration camps and the whatnot and SADNESS and it made me think about how lucky I am to be an upper middle class white male in the northeast in 1995 and I HATE thinking about that kind of thing! Ughhhhhhhh. You're the worst. There's a reason I pretended I had an upper-respiratory infection during Elie Weisel Week (EWW) and prefer DOOM II to Wolfenstein 3D! (it's for the non-perpendicular walls...also the height differences!)

But the worst, the WORST thing is that you ruined CATS for me (the animal, not the Broadway musical, although it won't be around forever!) In the Maus world, CATS = NAZIS. And holy shit do I hate Nazis. Those guys were the worst! I mean, every once in a while there's a movie where there's a GOOD NAZI who helps people escape or claps when Pele hits that bicycle kick at the end of Victory, but I even HATE THAT GUY because it's like 'Dude!'

My roommate has a beautiful little cute cat! His name is Batman! I love him and feed him and sometimes he sits on my lap when I am trying to read Sharon Olds/look at porn and he is kind of adorable how he meows and rubs his little cat ears on the sides of things. He is the best! NO! HE IS A FUCKING NAZI!

This guy:

NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

This:

No! Don't hang in there! Fall to your death, Nazi! Go spread your hate in HELL! I am not inspired by you at all!

THANKS A LOT ART SPIEGELMAN!

We're Glad You're Here!

2009-02-11T18:33:00.000-08:00

I am glad you are here too, Chicago! I'm really happy to hear that you survived that whole 'CHICAGO FIRE' thing (too soon?) and that whole Obama debacle. Yikes! Do you have an Egg McMuffin on your face or what?

I am so excited to go to ChicagoLand! It's like EPCOT but for Chicago! The entire city of Chicago is surrounded by an AMUSEMENT PARK that is Chicago themed! Do you like the CHICAGO WHITE SOX??? Well, why don't you go to Shaumberg and go see the SHAUMBERG FLYERS! Wow! Some guy with a name that obviously ends with a Z asked me if I wanted to go on 'The Moustache Ride Sponsored by Doritos' and I was all like 'YES PLEASE! Where do I get tickets!?!' Chicagoland has an OUTDOOR ROLLERCOASTER like BATMAN THE RIDE except BE CAREFUL because you'd think that the PINK line is safe for caucasians (it isn't) and the BROWN line might make you feel awkward even though your roommate in college was, like, totally half African-American and your ringtone is Flo Rida - Low, but it's kind of ironic, you know, like, I don't really LIKE that song, but yeah, I have it on my iPod because it's FUNNY and it kills at some DJ sets, even though no one really LIKES that song, but it's kind of ironic, you know, but NO DON'T WORRY it's safe for white people! Totally, I swear to you! Chicagoland is a fun environment!

AWP this year is at the Chicago Hilton! It's on Michigan Avenue! Now wait. I know what you're thinking 'BUT LIVEBLOG! CHICAGO IS IN INDIANA! HARF HARF HARF' but you must know that the Chicago Hilton is shaped like a Freezy Freakie which is the same shape as Michigan! Also, Philip Levine was born in Michigan! I don't have a joke to say about him except for he's OLD! haha

I'm so excited to see the great city of Chicago! I'm totally going to re-enact the opening credits of the TGIF Sitcom 'Perfect Strangers'! Playing the part of wacky crazy cousin Balki Bartokomous will be ME and the part of 'Cousin' Larry Appleton will be Sven Birkerts! I'm gonna be all like 'Chicago or Burst' and he's gonna get in his Mustang and look whimsical because sometimes you just feel like some kind of change, and then we're gonna go for a run because nothing is gonna stand in our way and I'll pet a police horse and then he'll read the Chicago Sun-Times and be like 'JAY MARIOTTI IS GONE FUCK YES' and smile and the wind will blow us over (it's the Windy City, LOL) and then we'll run to Wrigley Field and I'll be like 'do you have your tickets' and he'll be like 'yes i have my tickets' and I'll be like 'are you sure?' and he'll be like 'yes', and then we'll run and cheer and watch newly acquired Aaron Heilman blow a 5 run lead (walk, walk, single, sacrifice to left, double, walk, infield hit, single scoring two, fielder's choice, fly out) and then we'll spin around in the revolving door in the Hilton with the weird globules of something trying to get me to eat a 32 dollar omelet represent ice or water or something and just wind up looking like milky discharge and then we'll get on TUXEDOS and go to the theatre and it's my life, my dream, and nothing is gonna stop me now until he gives me a nice personal rejection from AGNI but it'll be illegible and then we'll run into HARRIET WINSLOW and no one will give a fuck about us anymore because it's all about URKEL, who will be played by Aleksander Hemon and there will be a great episode later where he will step into a 'coolness machine' codenamed 'The Lazarus Project' and he'll turn into 'Alex Heyman' and he'll totally hook up with Laura and the audience will go 'woooooooooo!'

We Fly High!

2009-02-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

OMG HI! Did you miss me? I know it's been a long year since NEW YORK CITY NEW YORK but I'm sure you've done okay! Did you get that thing you wanted to get published? Good! What about the book? Well that's okay, I'm sure someone will LOVE it! Did you sleep with that cute boy from the INTERNET? Oh!

I am so excited to take an AIRPLANE to Chicago Midway! I wonder if I can play various fun arcade games from the mid 1990s there! Perhaps I can play a wonderful game of NBA JAM and my shoes will light up like the color of the team that I'm playing as (WHAT THERE IS NO MICHAEL JORDAN??? WHO IS THIS HORACE GRANT GUY? AT LEAST HIS GOGGLES MATCH UP LIKE HIS SHOES!) when I use TURBO and then maybe I can play MORTAL KOMBAT 2 and Scott Russel Sanders will be like 'GET OVER HERE!' and I'll be like 'no! use your force of spirit to get me over here not some harpoon like a lazy man's John McPhee' and I'll punch his head off three times (forward forward down up low punch low kick block) and THEN and ONLY THEN will Sandra Beasley love me for who I REALLY AM! Yesssssss.

But first the airplane ride! I am flying Southwest! But I am NOT flying Southwest! That is ridiculous! If I were flying Southwest, I would be in MEXICO and we all know that AWP 2012 San Cristóbal de las Casas is still MATH years away! Besides! The world might end and then I might NEVER hear back from Notre Dame Review! All aboard the Dreamspell Express! Woo woo!

NO! That is a train sound and I am on a plane! What do I read? I did not bring any reading material :( :( :( because I'm gonna get SO MUCH READING MATERIAL :) :) :)

Inflight Magazine! Yessss! Spirit! That was a good movie about a crime fighting Supernatural breath that teamed up with God and Jesus and eye-fucked Eva Mendes! It was based on a comic book! HEY WHAT THE HECK IS STEVE ALMOND IN HERE?

Steve Almond is in my in-flight magazine! WOW. Not That I Asked for you to be in there, Steve Almond (see what I did there?) You seriously are everywhere! You are the HPV of the literary world; benign but tainty!

This is kind of like when William H. Gass was in SKYMALL! You really need to get yourself an underground mole deterrent when you live in the heart of the heart of the heart of the heart of the country!

Oooh...and then there's the HairLaser as used by Albert Goldbarth!

BEFORE

AFTER

Wow! What a difference Albert! That's amazing! Sadly you will never see this because you are a Luddite and believe the Internet is for real estate moguls and bunnies! THERE ARE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WRITING STUFF ABOUT YOU ALBERT. KABOOM, BITCH, WEBLOGGED! I am going to make you a FACEBOOK page, Albert, and I'm going to make you send out 'LIL FARM REQUESTS' to everyone and everyone is going to think you're an idiot for falling for Internet Horticulture! I will have my sweet revenge for when you said that all the girls at AWP are out of my league in ATLANTA (this is a true story!) And this revenge will be carried out on the INTERNET! And for the record, I HUGGED AN EDITOR OF A PROMINENT LITERARY JOURNAL, OKAY? And she was HOT!

Ding! You are now free to move around my BALLS.

I LOVE AWP

We Chicagoing!

2009-02-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Do you get it? Chicago! Going! Chicagoing! Chicago-ing! It was so much better when Common rapped it!

For all of your livebloggggging needs WELCOME SUCKERS (THIS IS SOMETHING THAT COMMON MIGHT SAY!)

You see that domain name, baby? We are thinking about THE FUTURE! The children are the future! Incorrect! The AWP Blog blogspot name without DATES are the future! You can't pigeonhole this!

Remember when Dr. Dre was all like 'It's the CHRONIC 2001' and we're all like 'WOW, CHRONIC 2001 THAT'S THE FUTURE' and now 2001 is LAME because of ENRON and The Concert for New York City, "a celebration of the strength, resilience, and pride of New York and America," and we're all like 'THANKS DR. DRE I JUST WANTED TO LISTEN TO THE CLEVER RHYMES OF KNOC-TURN'AL BUT NOW YOU'VE GOT ME ALL BUMMED OUT.'

So we're avoiding that! There was no 'awpliveblog is taken...how about awpliveblogapple.blogspot.com or awpliveblog696969420.blogspot.com or awpliveglog.blogspot.com' This be original!

Chicago! Let the FINAL COUNTDOWN (GET IT BECAUSE IT WAS THE BULLS SONG WHEN THEY CAME OUT AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE AT SMALL FORWARD AT 6'6 FROM NORTH CAROLINA CHEROKEE PARKS!) begin!

It is SO on, Wednesday!

AWP LIVEBLOG 2009

2008-10-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

Oh best believe we be back at it...CHICAGO STYLE!

To relive the memories and heartbreak of AWP NEW YORK, get to this: awp2008.blogspot.com.

-B