SNOWPAKOLIPZ

Guys! It is SNOWING ON THE EARTH RIGHT NOW. I AM WRITING TO INFORM YOU. I AM THE INFORMER YAKNOWSLENODADDYYUSEFKOMUNYAKAABLEEHM AN EEKY BOOM BOOM DEM. There might be 12" Inches of SNOW (released on East West Records!), which is a LOT OF SNOW. I preferred 'Mind On The Moon', myself! But here I go again getting all Canadian on you! That's my bad, everybody! I thought SNOW was JAMAICAN. And when I say SNOW I mean the Toronto-born reggae rap fusion artist not the type of precipitation within the Earth's atmosphere in the form of crystalline water ice, consisting of a multitude of snowflakes that fall from clouds! I know that SNOW (disambiguation) is not Jamaican! It is Heavenian! Or Heavenese! I am not sure! It might also be from CLOUD WORLD 4-2! I am not sure so I will refrain from making judgments that might seem biased towards THUNDERBOLTS or ANGELS!

So many of you are from the MIDWEST! What is the deal! Did your parents fall out of a helicopter and have sex in mid-air and then you were born there and decided 'well, I really like grain so I am going to stay here'? First, sex in mid-air is HARD if you are not a bumblebee or Susan Howe and even then she will translate the sex to you WHILE in Midair even if you're like 'shhhh Susan shhh' and you do that finger to the lip thing! Second, it is cold there and it snows there and there isn't any water except for the one half of the NELLY double album titled SWEAT that he released before he became a mainstay in Celebrity Softball games, often going 4 for 4 with 5 RBIs! It is so hot in herr because they have turned up the THERMOSTAT to 80 degrees to compensate for the coldness outside and apparently Nelly like's Herr's Sour Cream and Onion chips (me too, Nelly!) or he is taking German 102 at St. Lunatics Midwest Community College (he is getting his Associate's in Business and Hotel Management and then he is going to pursue his MFA--he has it narrowed down to three places using a very elaborate point system that involves people mentioning how much they like the schools as well as what people have posted on comments on blogger).

Don't worry! You can outrun the snow! Like when Marky Mark outran WIND in that movie where all of the plants are making us commit suicide! I haven't trusted a fern since! You Midwesterners are fast! You are the fastest demographic! You are faster than Reggie Wayne and Dorianne Laux combined! Reggie Wayne is slowing Dorianne down! Also you are faster than rockets and the turn-around rejection time from Elimae!

I hear that Joyce Carol Oates has melted all of the snow from Washington DC to Princeton! She is hot like fire! Perhaps she borrowed the CAR from the guy who was a REPRESENTATION OF THE DEVIL AND BOB DYLAN because man, the carbon footprint on that thing must be like a billion! I don't know what carbon footprints are but that seems like a pretty high number for one! How about shoes that are bigger than Shaq's feet! They are huge! I read his shoe size once in an issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids! I then read the same article republished in Cincinnati Review, but they put Shaquille O'Neal's name on the back in TRAJAN font and I was like 'Oh! New stories by Shaquille O'Neal! I know he has been working on that post-apocalyptic novel told in verse and from the perspective of an architect who is homeless!' but it was only an INTERVIEW with him! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This is all rumors though! I need to check out snopes.com (or snowpes.com, lol) to verify! I love their animated gifs! Let's see...Multiple Truth Values! Blargh! I did find out that the e-mails sent by Meridian a few months ago shouldn't have been forwarded to Coca-Cola President Bill Gates for a free iPad because that has been determined as FALSE.

SNOWP