Monumentalz!

Oh man this is so great! This is an AWP with the proper pomp and circumstance that is meant for a king (NO NOT A KING BECAUSE GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS ALLOWED TO BE KING AND HE'S LIKE F THAT NOISE DEMOCRACY!) Thanks George Washington! We should have a monument for you one of these days! Maybe it'll be PHALLIC and 14-year-old boys can take photographs lying down in front of it so it looks like they have an ERECTION but it's actually a giant marble, granite & sandstone penis with two beady red eyes at the top of it! And they will turn to people and be like 'would you like to gobble my obelisk?' except probably not because they will not know what an obelisk is because the only monolith that teenagers are familiar with are the Kirkland, Washington videogame developers behind the 1999 DOS First-Person Shooter Blood where you could attack people with pitchforkmedias and kick around heads and even then they only downloaded the Shareware Version because the Build engine was totally outdated! Everything that is happening today is so Presidential! The butter that I used to butter my 7 dollar croissant in the Omni Hotel was President, which is totally European, I know, but still! Presidents! The President of AWP is Dinty Moore! He is the President of the AWP District of the District of Columbia of the United States! I am going to make a monument for him! It will be almost perfect but it will be made of STONE and WIRE and LOVE but Creative Nonfiction will want me to tear it down because a statue of Dinty Moore is not made of Dinty Moore and therefore it is not the TRUTH because statues, apparently, are fiction! Did you know that the statue of Abe Lincoln isn't actually Abe Lincoln!? I feel like such a fool asking him for advice about five dollar bills and whether or not the chapbook is a dying art with the advent of the internet! Ugh! I don't get it Abe Smith Lincoln! I just thought he was shy and didn't talk back and sat all stoically because that's what the Iowa Review table does when I walk over there!

This bookfair is exactly like the video for Ghetto Superstar off of the Bulworth Soundtrack! I'm pretty sure that Sven Birketts is a hairier Warren Beatty! Robert Pinsky is Pras (who in the music video will reveal himself to be wearing a Sven Birketts suit becoming the first side-burned president since that one that died!). Natasha Tretheway (who I just saw coming down the escalator and I tried to high-five her but she was guarded natively!) is Mya! Thankfully these people have staying power unlike their real hippy-hop counterparts and will be around for years to come instead of having to be 'the other guy in the Fugees' and 'the other girl in the Lady Marmalade video'! Although all would benefit from a stint on Dancing With The Stars in order to stay hip and relevant and make people use their AT&T Cellphones!

Queen of the Paso Double would be a great title for a book of poems written by NOT ME.