IMMA NEED TO DC YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS AT THE CONFERENCE

DeeeeeeeCeeeeeeeeeee!!! Ay Double U Peeeeeeeee!!! The place to beeeeeeee!

*lazer sounds bombs going off JUST KIDDING WASHINGTON DC IS TOUCHY ABOUT THESE THINGS*
*the sound of pleasant handshakes and gentle hugs*

Hello! How are you! It is good to see you! You look terrible! :( That haircut is all wrong for you! I liked what you wore last year but I don't like it as much this year! I don't know, maybe my tastes have changed! I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well for you! Did you have fun at the job market? I didn't get any jobs but I did manage to pick up some fresh organic produce and some KOMBUCHA! I don't know what it is, but I hear it's great!

Well, I think that your fortunes are going to change here at AWP! It is the land of opportunity! It is happening in WASHINGTON DC which is famous for apples! Someone told me that it was the other Washington that is famous for apples and I'm like 'Uhhh, what other Washington?' Seriously guys, get your GEORGRAPHY straight! Notice that I said 'Georgraphy' because I was making a GEORGE WASHINGTON joke! lol cherry tree

I cannot tell a lie so I am excited for AWP! I also cannot tell a lie so I just wanted to tell you I don't understand the appeal of your work! I'm sorry I'm being so negative!

Where are you staying? Oh that's cool! Did you hear there's a giant fucking hill that we need to walk up to in order to get to the panels and bookfair!? It is CRAZY. Fortunately they have a ZipCar rental right next to it so you can rent one of those and drive it up there! I don't know where you can drop them off though--probably at the bottom of the hill. :(

I know, I know, AWP is so OVERWHELMING! That is what I am hearing everyone say! There are SO MANY PEEEEEOPLE. I for one am WHELMED. I am a pro! I know stepping out of your room with your MacBookPro (Apple joke from earlier!) and your fair trade coffee is difficult, but there's a whole WORLD out there! It could be worse! You could be at the realtor conference! Wouldn't it be funny if there was a realtor who was secretly a writer but no one knew and he/she had to go to both conferences but he/she couldn't let the writers know that they're a realtor and let the realtors know that they're a writer!? It could be called 'Mrs. Doubtfire 2!' and it'd be fun for the whole family! And then there'd be some lesson about how we don't care what you do for money, but we just care about you and how you're writing, and nothing can take that away from you, nothing! And then the realtors would be super evil and be like 'WRITINGGGG PSHAW SIGN THESE CONTRACTS!' and then there'd be a really dramatic moment where you ripped up the contracts and were like 'THE ONLY CONTRACTS I'M SIGNING ARE AGREEING TO GIVING FIRST NORTH-AMERICAN PUBLISHING RIGHTS TO THE MID-AMERICAN REVIEW!' and we'd all cheer and hoist you on our shoulders, but we'd probably collapse because we are out of shape and don't like touching people/sunlight and because that whole story just sounds so OVERWHELMING, doesn't it!?

Seriously though! I hope that you get to see some DCups and some AWPenises!