Hotel Motel Holiday Inn

I am staying at the Omni Hotel! This hotel is EVERYWHERE. It holds EVERYTHING. It believes in EVERYTHING! The Omni Hotel is going to be the narrator of my newest novel! It will know what everyone is thinking and it will tell the narrator in an all knowing way, but it'll be kind of sweet, like you won't even know it's there, but it IS there, cooing in your ear and allowing you to know certain secrets about people before the people in the story even KNOW about them! Like my main character, a Serbian immigrant who owns a chain of hotels is going to die by walking into a kitten store and he will be allergic to kittens despite loving kittens so much, but of course kitten stores are only in AMERICA, so it'll be ironic that the place that he wanted to escape so much is what actually kept him safe and the thing that he LOVES is going to be the thing that KILLS him! And there will be various nods to this that 'Oh boy, Georg (that is his name, Georg) maybe this whole America Kitten thing isn't a good idea!' and he'll be searching on the Internet one day (I am not afraid to use technology in my books--'when Jack got home there was a missed call on his answering machine' or 'Jenny received a letter in the mail today from her boyfriend' = HAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT YOU QUAINT FUCK) and he'll be looking at LOLcats LOLing (him, not the cats, although sometimes the cats LOL! this is what is called meta, which is something that John Barth invented one day while eating an omelette!) and then accidentally he'll stumble upon the archives of geocities.com and he will stare for a long time at a picture of an animated gif of a skeleton smoking a cigarette and beckoning with his bony fingers and he won't think anything of it, but we will know because OMNI.

It is time to check into my room! Thank you for the room key, madame! I feel like I have one of those Black Cards that those rappers talk about! Yes! I feel like the Clipse! I am higher than giraffe ass! Yeughck! I am going to start using kitchen metaphors but in actuality I am talking about dRuGz! Stephen Dunn totally knows what I'm talkin' bout, right? *makes smoking pantomime* Actually, I don't know anything about Stephen Dunn except for he uses a lot of semi-colons! Stephen Dunn might be STRAIGHT EDGE, which would be totally cool because we are in the STRAIGHT EDGE Capitol of the World and we are also in the Capitol of the United States! Where is the A Major Threat: A Tribute to Ian MacKaye panel being held? Is it in the Pailhead Room? Is the tribute going to consist of Tony Hoagland, Kristin Hersh, Albert Goldbarth (who did not hold open the elevator for me at the OMNI Hotel! The joke was on him because the elevator was going UP and so when it came back down it opened again and I looked at him in his sad face and was all like 'INTERNET! TECHNOLOGY! YOUNG PEOPLE!' and I'm pretty sure he thought he might've been in that movie from the MIND OF M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN because these were words he has never heard before and he might've thought I was speaking in TONGUES! I think that movie was called HELLEVATOR!) and maybe Sapphire all yelling at me before giving their papers and being like 'Now, I know some of you feel the need to slam around into each other in order to try to prove who has the biggest dick here, but let me tell you some people just came here to enjoy my paper documenting the influence of Caribbean-Mexican GLBT Literature on the early 1990s flarf movement, and WE WILL WAIT for you guys to sort out your fucking cock contest before I begin, you ice cream eating motherfuckers.' and then someone will yell 'play an Embrace song!' and then everyone will groan because GOD.

Oh look! My keycard not only serves a functional item to open doors it is also an advertisement for the Steven Barclay Agency! Wow! It even has a picture of some dude lounging with his socks off reading a book! It's in black and white so you know it's serious! Daaaaang. Does this mean I get a free agent!? Not free agent like Cartier Martin or Leandro Barbarosa, but like a FREE AGENT FOR THE BOOK THAT I AM WRITING!? I am going to go to the table and turn it in and I will get some attractive woman in a business suit who is probably wearing a cameo (I don't have an agent, I imagine this is what they look like from the websites!) and then I will unleash my underrated baby to the world! Haha! Man, I hope they have a lot of agents because there are a lot of people staying here! Me & Amy Tan are gonna be BFFFs! Best Friends Forever Forever! I think that 'Best Friends Forever' has lost its meaning so I want her to be extra sure that we will hug when we see each other and maybe have sleepovers and have JOY POTLUCK CLUBS where I will bring a dessert and she will bring a dessert and we'll laugh and laugh and eat cupcakes and watch SCRUBS!

I'm going to the sauna! Let's hope I don't get all sweaty and gross and wind up in an elevator with a bunch of writer & editor babes and someone will see JESUS or BILLY COLLINS in my sweatstain!

**UPDATE** OH MY GOD THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED! DAMN YOU OMNINARRATOR! WHEN DID MY LIFE TURN INTO A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY FANFICTION!?