Oh snap check out these totes! They are totes awesome! When I said 'totes' there I meant 'totallys' not 'totes' as in 'totebags' or 'grippy socks that my Nana used to wear so she wouldn't slide on the linoleum like in that one movie with that crazy guy'! I bet these things totally DESTROY the environment! Take that, earth! These totes would totes say 'Welcome to Earth, Earth!' and then punch Earth in the face (Independence Day reference, which is appropriate considering we are in DC and that is the most patriotic movie ever made ever). I for one welcome our deathbags with their carbon Big Foot footprints (the monster truck, not the large hairy ape-like creature, ranging between 6–10 feet tall, weighing in excess of 500 pounds, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair--this is not the time for cryptids!) because man they are so cute and durable! They even have those little rustic fiber flecks in them which kind of makes them look like one of those Table X chapbooks! You know, the one that cost 75 dollars with a poet no one has ever heard of! But goodness, they are pretty! Seriously, I want to make out with them but someone will be like 'don't get it wet!' and I'm a sloppy kisser (ALL TONGUE ALL THE TIME) so, I mean, that's probably not a great idea!
The lanyard this year is as BLACK AS MY SOUL. Just kidding! My soul is a very pretty cyan color! People say I have such an energy about me and I'm like 'Well, I did take a green tea supplement this morning!' and then we laugh and then I grab them by the neck and I'm like 'No seriously.' and then I laugh and it's a great joke and then people are FRIGHTENED and my lanyard turns AUBERGINE which is a word that we got from the Catalans! We also got the word 'Surge' from them too, which is appropriate because of *whisper*Iraq*whisper* and because the DC area is the only place where one can obtain Surge, the lemon-lime softdrink inspired by the Norwegian 'Urge', which was brought to the United States to compete with Pepsico's Mountain Dew, yet failed miserably (they added an 'S' to make it sound a little less rape-y) and lost its market share to Dr Pepper's SunDrop (THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!). Did you know that the reason Dr Pepper doesn't have a period after the 'Dr' is because it has a PhD in Creative Writing and that shit doesn't count? Just because you took nine more workshops than I did doesn't mean I'm going to call you Doctor, MR. PEPPER!
So here are your Lanyard Color Codes! (UPDATED FOR 2K11)
Black: You & Me & That Chick You Want To Bone
Red: Mubarak
Blue: Barack Obama
Silver: Amiri Baraka
Orange: Baraka from MK2
Purple: Waka Flocka Flame
Tan: Fozzie from Muppet Babies
Green: People who are recycling their lanyard from last year and John Wall
Auberine: TurboRage Me
Taco Bell Teal: The Entire Cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer minus Alyson Hannigan because she is actually from DC and chooses to wear her own lanyard. Also because she's a witch (sometimes) and a lesbian (sometimes).
This is helpful! This is especially helpful because you might find yourself eating some AWPizza at 4 o'clock in the morning in a Pizza Basement and before you start putting your hand on the thigh of some lovely lass and start talking about 'This situation in Egypt is just so, so scary...but it's really inspirational to think about people rising up like that--coming together and saying enough is enough. It's really inspiring. I remember one time when I was an assistant editor at this journal and we all really loved this one poem, but the poetry editor and the head editor really hated it and found it derivative, but there was just so much passion in those words; it was edgy, maybe too edgy for our journal, but we didn't care--after complaining in the meeting for maybe two hours, we finally got them to put it into the journal provided the author agreed to our edits. It was such a great feeling so I know what those people in Egypt are going through and I feel for them, you know?' and then you start drawing a map of DC on her arm (it is modeled after a Cartesian coordinate system, which is the perfect cityplanning layout for foreplay), you're going to want to know who you're messing with! Maybe you skip the Egypt talk and just go straight for quoting Bukowski or Katy Perry or whatever you kids read these days! Maybe a 'take a chance and don't ever look back, you can never look back' will allow you to get into her AWPanties!
But be careful & use protection (some journal had condoms with famous quotes written on them! I would've gone with submission guidelines! But then someone might say 'Good luck at placing your penis elsewhere!' and that's not even a GOOD REJECTION! They could at least comment on it!) and remember that you're probably sharing a room with seven other writers because you are POOR because you are a WRITER and you keep getting HONORABLE MENTION in contests which comes with no cash prize and you can't get into SUBTROPICS.
And for godsakes, think about the future!
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